Something that people eventually learn about me, often the hard way, is that I have a really high personal integrity. Oh, I'll cuss like a sailor and run red lights with the best of them, but I've spent actual time in my life figuring out what my ethical boundaries are, and I'm pretty lucky, I've never had to violate them to eat.
One of the reasons I stopped being interested in working in the for profit world is that twice I was asked to forge documents. I can only assume that there is something written on my forehead that says - go ahead, test me, or people really as as morally bankrupt in the business world as the liberal media tells me. I quit both of those jobs, and the only reason I know that some people do violate those boundaries is that my dad asked me why I was too proud to work, and informed me that you do what your boss says. I can only ponder what chips and dings he has from managing to stay in his field, with few employers, for his entire working life.
So, I found a place, that wasn't perfect, but that I felt I could blunder along with my integrity in tact. I think I found a little tide pool of uniqueness. And when the tide came in, I was just not interested in being part of the ocean, or more to the point, I was simply unable to be part of the ocean, and consequently, the ocean spit me out.
I love crazy metaphors.
In any case, I am still a person of faith. My God looks a lot like Jobs' God these days, and I'm perfectly content with a secular summation of that God which amounts to "shit happens." Because it does. And I don't find any comfort in imagining that my limited perspective through the eyes of this meat bag are giving me any real insight into a larger reality. I can make shit up and smash atoms all I want, but at the end of the day, shit happens that I'll never have any reason for. Honestly, does finding a place to put the blame actually make the situation any better? Does a tit for tat response actually make people feel happier or safer?
I can't change that shit happens. But I can try to minimize the amount of shit I spread. It probably isn't much, but it's something to know that in as much as I am aware of and can control my own actions, I'm not protecting the powerful at the expense of the powerless. I'm not trying to create preferential in groups. I'm not complicit in protecting harmful people, and I'm not talking about pedophiles, because that is definitely in the category of shit happens that I can't do anything about, but there are petty ass people walking through the world being bullies so they can feel better about themselves, and I like to think that I don't protect bullies.
The fact that that is exactly what I did when I left St. David's is I believe why I felt so betrayed when the committee decided not to send me to vocations conference. Because I protected the priest, something I swore I would never do, and had I become a priest, would have been really pissed to find people doing for me. And if there is something that I can't forgive myself for, it's that I wouldn't change anything that I did - even though what I did broke my own sense of integrity.
I still don't know if I ever even want to go back to a church. I miss straight up worship, and I miss the kind of sermons I used to write for myself because no one else would, but I don't miss the institution. I miss the rituals and the sinking into beautiful sameness. I think I really need to find myself a latin Taize. Surely one of these multitude of Catholic churches has one.
But I sure don't want to be involved in the political community. How we live together in church is something I just can't swallow right now.
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