Day Fifty Two

(At some point, this numbering system is going to defeat me if I don't keep writing, at least occasionally.)

It's been awhile, because I've been working on other things.

Things that I am pleased to note with the medication - I can totally cry when I want to, need to, but I don't have to just because I'm feeling overwhelmed. In fact, I don't feel overwhelmed all that often any more. Last week we organized the PTSA, I created documentation for the reorganization of the logistics team, and wrangled a memorial service with over 500 people at it, live streamed, all in less than 48 hours. If I add to 72 hours, my son also spent 12 hours in the ER waiting for an operating room so they could set his broken arm.

What a week. I'd be incapacitated for another week or two dealing with the adrenaline fall out of this before the medication.

The other night, I really can't remember which one now, I had a dream that I think might have been that moment of freeing that I've needed from all the church tr/drama.I dreamed that I was at St. David's, in that way that upon waking it's totally the wrong buildings but whatever, and I was sneaking around and finishing up projects-big stuff like wiring for adequate wifi coverage and stuff, and then went to the rectory, that John and Ellen would have lived in, but still the wrong building, and we didn't have one, so Sara and her family haven't moved into their house, but I was trying to get my stuff out of there before she came home. And I got my stuff together but left a mess and was trying to clean it up a bit and she came in and sat in a chair and didn't even care that I was there. And it was because I was leaving, and the anxiousness I was feeling was just gone. (And Dave Flowers was taking me to the airport in a VW bus and was late which is only surpassed in strangeness by the fact that he posted pictures of his new and first and totally unexpected baby on facebook the next day.)

So, I totally don't know if this is a release. And I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that I didn't go see Lindsay at St Gregory's when she was in town, and then heard later that they got thrown out of the service for having a babbling baby, and it totally cleared up for me that the church is a fucking mess and that has nothing to do with my flaws or awesomeness or anything about me at all. But it might.

Still,  I did awesome stuff this week, including a drunken tweet that Fr Chris liked, lol. And I have still got no idea what is really next vocation or career wise, but the stuff that I am involved in, I have no doubt that I can do it or that I belong there. I think, maybe, in this small way, I finally feel like an adult. Who would have thought that would happen?