(At some point, this numbering system is going to defeat me if I don't keep writing, at least occasionally.)
It's been awhile, because I've been working on other things.
Things that I am pleased to note with the medication - I can totally cry when I want to, need to, but I don't have to just because I'm feeling overwhelmed. In fact, I don't feel overwhelmed all that often any more. Last week we organized the PTSA, I created documentation for the reorganization of the logistics team, and wrangled a memorial service with over 500 people at it, live streamed, all in less than 48 hours. If I add to 72 hours, my son also spent 12 hours in the ER waiting for an operating room so they could set his broken arm.
What a week. I'd be incapacitated for another week or two dealing with the adrenaline fall out of this before the medication.
The other night, I really can't remember which one now, I had a dream that I think might have been that moment of freeing that I've needed from all the church tr/drama.I dreamed that I was at St. David's, in that way that upon waking it's totally the wrong buildings but whatever, and I was sneaking around and finishing up projects-big stuff like wiring for adequate wifi coverage and stuff, and then went to the rectory, that John and Ellen would have lived in, but still the wrong building, and we didn't have one, so Sara and her family haven't moved into their house, but I was trying to get my stuff out of there before she came home. And I got my stuff together but left a mess and was trying to clean it up a bit and she came in and sat in a chair and didn't even care that I was there. And it was because I was leaving, and the anxiousness I was feeling was just gone. (And Dave Flowers was taking me to the airport in a VW bus and was late which is only surpassed in strangeness by the fact that he posted pictures of his new and first and totally unexpected baby on facebook the next day.)
So, I totally don't know if this is a release. And I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that I didn't go see Lindsay at St Gregory's when she was in town, and then heard later that they got thrown out of the service for having a babbling baby, and it totally cleared up for me that the church is a fucking mess and that has nothing to do with my flaws or awesomeness or anything about me at all. But it might.
Still, I did awesome stuff this week, including a drunken tweet that Fr Chris liked, lol. And I have still got no idea what is really next vocation or career wise, but the stuff that I am involved in, I have no doubt that I can do it or that I belong there. I think, maybe, in this small way, I finally feel like an adult. Who would have thought that would happen?
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Mental Health, Guns and Violence
I'm conflicted.
I think mental health care is extremely important and valuable. I'm currently maxing out my own lifetime limit with Kaiser as we speak. And I hope that my daughters lifetime limit resets at 18 or we are in trouble.
But I will tell you, my quality of life has increased immeasurably since I defied my upbringing and went to talk to the "crazy person" doctor. I'm not even crazy by any measure, my biology is incompatible with my current lifestyle, and since the lifestyle changes that suit my biology mean living on a savannah avoiding lions, I think learning to manipulate, and even medicate, that biology to cope with my current reality is a fantastic thing.
I wish someone had noticed my suffering and intervened so I didn't have to spend half my life avoiding life. How many other young people are going to lose some or all of their one, precious life struggling against themselves that intervention could mitigate or alleviate?
I'm relieved that Congress, that most ineffectual example of democracy in our time, is finally willing to go to bat for mental health care.
But I'm worried that it comes in exchange of a conversation about gun control for our country, whatever that might look like, since we don't seem to be able to have the conversation.
And I am especially concerned that it comes as a seek and destroy mechanism for violent offenders. Scientific research and clinical studies have never been able to find a causal relationship between mental health diagnosis and violence. It's a venn diagram I don't know how to insert in my blog post. All violent people get a mental heath diagnosis, but all people diagnosed with some mental health issue are not violent.
We have very poor education in this country. We don't teach enough hard science. We don't teach enough logic, either in mathematics or in philosophy. And yet, we are going to conflate correlation and causation, yet again, in pursuit of a magic bullet, or a soundbite.
It's been a long journey, one that is by no means over, to overcome Descartes dualism. We are only beginning to grasp, again, that the mind and the body are not distinct, but merely descriptors of a complex whole. We are only just beginning to accept that anxiety and depression and so many other things are part of the human condition and not a shameful personal failing. If we start looking for the links between people who access or need access to mental health resources and their potential for violence, it will not matter that there is more money and access, we will all be afraid, once again, to seek help in our humanity.
I think mental health care is extremely important and valuable. I'm currently maxing out my own lifetime limit with Kaiser as we speak. And I hope that my daughters lifetime limit resets at 18 or we are in trouble.
But I will tell you, my quality of life has increased immeasurably since I defied my upbringing and went to talk to the "crazy person" doctor. I'm not even crazy by any measure, my biology is incompatible with my current lifestyle, and since the lifestyle changes that suit my biology mean living on a savannah avoiding lions, I think learning to manipulate, and even medicate, that biology to cope with my current reality is a fantastic thing.
I wish someone had noticed my suffering and intervened so I didn't have to spend half my life avoiding life. How many other young people are going to lose some or all of their one, precious life struggling against themselves that intervention could mitigate or alleviate?
I'm relieved that Congress, that most ineffectual example of democracy in our time, is finally willing to go to bat for mental health care.
But I'm worried that it comes in exchange of a conversation about gun control for our country, whatever that might look like, since we don't seem to be able to have the conversation.
And I am especially concerned that it comes as a seek and destroy mechanism for violent offenders. Scientific research and clinical studies have never been able to find a causal relationship between mental health diagnosis and violence. It's a venn diagram I don't know how to insert in my blog post. All violent people get a mental heath diagnosis, but all people diagnosed with some mental health issue are not violent.
We have very poor education in this country. We don't teach enough hard science. We don't teach enough logic, either in mathematics or in philosophy. And yet, we are going to conflate correlation and causation, yet again, in pursuit of a magic bullet, or a soundbite.
It's been a long journey, one that is by no means over, to overcome Descartes dualism. We are only beginning to grasp, again, that the mind and the body are not distinct, but merely descriptors of a complex whole. We are only just beginning to accept that anxiety and depression and so many other things are part of the human condition and not a shameful personal failing. If we start looking for the links between people who access or need access to mental health resources and their potential for violence, it will not matter that there is more money and access, we will all be afraid, once again, to seek help in our humanity.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Aaron Swartz
A friend of the family committed suicide yesterday. That is what I know. He was also more famous than he perhaps realized, since it's all over the news, and my husband is planning a memorial - one of many that will happen around the country.
Aaron was 26.
I'll admit, I coud barely think of him as an adult, since my best memory is of him jumping on bed with the children rather than hanging out in the kitchen with wine and the adults.
It's in the context of that extended adolescence of our 20's that I can make the most sense of the hopelessness that he must have felt. Facing a possible prison term longer than he'd been alive so far. A prison term that would encompass his entire adult life. 35 years is a barely comprehensible expanse of time. I'm only, at 40, now old enough to think I won't be nearly dead at 65.
I think that the best light I could have made of his situation is of martyrdom. True martyrdom, not the glorified sort of self indulgence but the die for the cause, and the seemingly hopeless cause at that. Because making information free, truly free, and a world where the scientific method is real, and not just manipulated for profit, where thinking is the reason for a college education, not a martini lunch expense account and house in the Hamptons. It's a world that seems so possible, but remains so ridiculously elusive.
At 40, now, I can think of some things that I might be willing to die for, and I'm not proud to say that those things aren't the big principles, but the small and familial things I didn't even have at 26.
I wonder, how many of us, how many of his fans and friends, who knew all the amazing things he had done already, more than many of us will accomplish in all our long lives, thought that Aaron would be that martyr, that Che, that Leonard, that myth. I wonder how many of us didn't think too much of it at all, because of our own small lives, because of our own disbelief in the ridiculousness of the charges.
Ultimately, however, this is only an exercise in making me feel better. For all the pretensions of psychology and genetics and the general round of blame, we don't know why people commit suicide, even a note left behind cannot really explain the unexplainable. In the end, we can only file it under the large category of life called, Shit Happens. And the only thing we can do, is not to explain, but to live our own lives in some way changed, as a response to how that person, now inexplicably gone, has made us more aware of the fragility of life.
For Aaron, I will play more and I will share more. And I will do more for the cause of freedom than I felt I could do before, because I am now, sadly, aware that it is more precious than I ever imagined.
Aaron was 26.
I'll admit, I coud barely think of him as an adult, since my best memory is of him jumping on bed with the children rather than hanging out in the kitchen with wine and the adults.
It's in the context of that extended adolescence of our 20's that I can make the most sense of the hopelessness that he must have felt. Facing a possible prison term longer than he'd been alive so far. A prison term that would encompass his entire adult life. 35 years is a barely comprehensible expanse of time. I'm only, at 40, now old enough to think I won't be nearly dead at 65.
I think that the best light I could have made of his situation is of martyrdom. True martyrdom, not the glorified sort of self indulgence but the die for the cause, and the seemingly hopeless cause at that. Because making information free, truly free, and a world where the scientific method is real, and not just manipulated for profit, where thinking is the reason for a college education, not a martini lunch expense account and house in the Hamptons. It's a world that seems so possible, but remains so ridiculously elusive.
At 40, now, I can think of some things that I might be willing to die for, and I'm not proud to say that those things aren't the big principles, but the small and familial things I didn't even have at 26.
I wonder, how many of us, how many of his fans and friends, who knew all the amazing things he had done already, more than many of us will accomplish in all our long lives, thought that Aaron would be that martyr, that Che, that Leonard, that myth. I wonder how many of us didn't think too much of it at all, because of our own small lives, because of our own disbelief in the ridiculousness of the charges.
Ultimately, however, this is only an exercise in making me feel better. For all the pretensions of psychology and genetics and the general round of blame, we don't know why people commit suicide, even a note left behind cannot really explain the unexplainable. In the end, we can only file it under the large category of life called, Shit Happens. And the only thing we can do, is not to explain, but to live our own lives in some way changed, as a response to how that person, now inexplicably gone, has made us more aware of the fragility of life.
For Aaron, I will play more and I will share more. And I will do more for the cause of freedom than I felt I could do before, because I am now, sadly, aware that it is more precious than I ever imagined.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Day Thirty Two
Today was the first day back in the grind. Of course, everyone was up extra early and we actually got out the door in time for the first time in forever. This will be over by Friday, if not Wednesday, I am sure.
I've made appointments for Wed and Thurs to do Red Cross work, which means I really need to do some work in preparation for those meetings.
Tomorrow, however, is for PTSA. I will need to send some email to Michelle, and set some dates for the various things that we need to accomplish in time for the final formation meeting. Hopefully, Michelle will be more responsive now that the holidays are over.
I didn't go like a marathon runner today, but I did actually accomplish some things. Francis got to her appt, Simon got a Clipper card, finally, I got gas, dropped the girl off to collect hand me down from her friend, and the guys and I went out for dinner. I even managed to get the dog walked in there. I took a nap and watched TV between 10 and 2, but, you know, whatever.
Tomorrow night, I think we are going to a party for Emperor Norton's 132nd anniversary or some such, and I need to find beggar Victorian clothing. No idea, but we will surely come up with something.
Oh, and one of the side effects of the Zoloft are tics. I think I found my first one. Or noticed it for what it is finally. My upper lip tics-strangely annoying, hopefully not noticeable, or not as a sneer at least. It's very bizarre.
I've made appointments for Wed and Thurs to do Red Cross work, which means I really need to do some work in preparation for those meetings.
Tomorrow, however, is for PTSA. I will need to send some email to Michelle, and set some dates for the various things that we need to accomplish in time for the final formation meeting. Hopefully, Michelle will be more responsive now that the holidays are over.
I didn't go like a marathon runner today, but I did actually accomplish some things. Francis got to her appt, Simon got a Clipper card, finally, I got gas, dropped the girl off to collect hand me down from her friend, and the guys and I went out for dinner. I even managed to get the dog walked in there. I took a nap and watched TV between 10 and 2, but, you know, whatever.
Tomorrow night, I think we are going to a party for Emperor Norton's 132nd anniversary or some such, and I need to find beggar Victorian clothing. No idea, but we will surely come up with something.
Oh, and one of the side effects of the Zoloft are tics. I think I found my first one. Or noticed it for what it is finally. My upper lip tics-strangely annoying, hopefully not noticeable, or not as a sneer at least. It's very bizarre.
Day Thirty One
Well, this is yesterday again.
Andy came over to do laundry and crash for the night. He got a loft that I expect we will be spending a lot of time over there in the next few months creating his hacker space.
I spent the weekend cleaning house and doing laundry. It is almost caught up. I'm still uninterested in my room because it is so cold. It will have to be worked on tomorrow when the kids go back to school.
I felt ok yesterday. I tried to take a sleep aid last night. In that I am not tired it probably worked but I felt like I was awake all night. I might ask for something else but we will see after I have been back in the saddle a week or so.
Andy came over to do laundry and crash for the night. He got a loft that I expect we will be spending a lot of time over there in the next few months creating his hacker space.
I spent the weekend cleaning house and doing laundry. It is almost caught up. I'm still uninterested in my room because it is so cold. It will have to be worked on tomorrow when the kids go back to school.
I felt ok yesterday. I tried to take a sleep aid last night. In that I am not tired it probably worked but I felt like I was awake all night. I might ask for something else but we will see after I have been back in the saddle a week or so.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Day Thirty
Spent the day cleaning house. This is good, because I haven't felt the slightest bit inclined to do so for some time and it was getting a little nasty around here.
I've put a desk in the living room - no one was playing chess anyway. I need a place to do some work, a place to put up my sewing machine and do some quilting, maybe make some pants. I don't know particularly, I just know that I need a place that I can make a bit of a mess, and we don't have so much company that it matters if I have a desk in the living room. Shannon spends most of his time in the bedroom, either in a chair or on the bed. We will need to find him a chair that both fits in the space and is comfortable. Although he spent a good amount of time working on his man cave and it is very nice down there, now.
I'm starting to think about my life again. I'm starting to think about what I want to do. I'm wondering if I want to stay in the spirituality gig or do something else. I'm not at all upset about thinking about this but I haven't tried saying it aloud. I'm thinking I might actually be able to get myself a spiritual director. I enjoy my therapist, and we are making some progress, but there are things that I need to do that he can't help me with.
I've put a desk in the living room - no one was playing chess anyway. I need a place to do some work, a place to put up my sewing machine and do some quilting, maybe make some pants. I don't know particularly, I just know that I need a place that I can make a bit of a mess, and we don't have so much company that it matters if I have a desk in the living room. Shannon spends most of his time in the bedroom, either in a chair or on the bed. We will need to find him a chair that both fits in the space and is comfortable. Although he spent a good amount of time working on his man cave and it is very nice down there, now.
I'm starting to think about my life again. I'm starting to think about what I want to do. I'm wondering if I want to stay in the spirituality gig or do something else. I'm not at all upset about thinking about this but I haven't tried saying it aloud. I'm thinking I might actually be able to get myself a spiritual director. I enjoy my therapist, and we are making some progress, but there are things that I need to do that he can't help me with.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Day Twenty Nine
I had a good day today. I actually washed a few dishes, remembered to pay my rent, and had a nice chat with Claudia.
I haven't made any real plans, I know what I need to do next week, and over the next few months, but in case it all goes flooey, I'm enjoying the last few days of my vacation.
The GOE's are happening right now, this is the Ordination Exams, OWL's if you are into Harry Potter, and a couple years ago, I failed all five or six or however many there were, essays. I took that really hard, but thought that I was going to be able to compensate for it - plenty of people do. What I really learned was that I could have a panic attack the likes of which I'd never had before (this latest one was way worse, if only because it was longer) and that I could only do what I could do, and no more. I don't think the failing was the hard part of the results, it was the comments of the readers. But, I lost the GOE's in a hard drive crash a year ago, so I never have to worry about them again, which is nice. I thought I would be really upset about them this year, but it turns out, I notice the posts of facebook, mostly of people supporting the current crop, since I unfriended practically everyone, and certainly everyone who is taking them this week, and I can be pretty disinterested in it.
I think that one of the things that is going to fall out of all this is that I am much more committed to social justice than the church, and that I am much more committed to actual action than just palliative conscience easing. And the action that lets the powerless become powerful, even if it means I don't like the outcome, which is something that seems to be very difficult for most churchy and non profit types.
I wonder what I can actually do with this? For right now, it is going to be starting a PTSA at the middle school. It is going to be a busy, busy month.
I haven't made any real plans, I know what I need to do next week, and over the next few months, but in case it all goes flooey, I'm enjoying the last few days of my vacation.
The GOE's are happening right now, this is the Ordination Exams, OWL's if you are into Harry Potter, and a couple years ago, I failed all five or six or however many there were, essays. I took that really hard, but thought that I was going to be able to compensate for it - plenty of people do. What I really learned was that I could have a panic attack the likes of which I'd never had before (this latest one was way worse, if only because it was longer) and that I could only do what I could do, and no more. I don't think the failing was the hard part of the results, it was the comments of the readers. But, I lost the GOE's in a hard drive crash a year ago, so I never have to worry about them again, which is nice. I thought I would be really upset about them this year, but it turns out, I notice the posts of facebook, mostly of people supporting the current crop, since I unfriended practically everyone, and certainly everyone who is taking them this week, and I can be pretty disinterested in it.
I think that one of the things that is going to fall out of all this is that I am much more committed to social justice than the church, and that I am much more committed to actual action than just palliative conscience easing. And the action that lets the powerless become powerful, even if it means I don't like the outcome, which is something that seems to be very difficult for most churchy and non profit types.
I wonder what I can actually do with this? For right now, it is going to be starting a PTSA at the middle school. It is going to be a busy, busy month.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Day Twenty Eight
What I mostly have to report is that a post every day is difficult. Francis came home today. It was nice to have a break from being an active mom for awhile.
Day Twenty Seven
Went to see my therapist today, and the med check, so it was a full service kind of day.
Not going to change anything with the meds right now. I have another appointment in about a month to see where we are after I pick up my life again.
My therapist said something brilliant though. He said something like: people with social anxiety can be seduced by affirmation. I wrote it on a piece of paper, and of course, I can't find it. Whatever, exactly, he said, it was like opening a door. I've been spinning, trying to see a way forward, and only being able to wind up in a panic, only able to see the negative. Which makes perfect sense, since I have spent a lot of the last couple of years working on really specific bits of my social anxiety. And the fact is, I've worked my way beyond interview anxiety.
Shannon described it as confirmation bias, but it isn't quite like that. I don't know how exactly to describe it. Maybe it is, I don't know. But I know that I'm feeling unstuck, finally.
I still don't know what to do, but I don't feel like I can't do anything.
Not going to change anything with the meds right now. I have another appointment in about a month to see where we are after I pick up my life again.
My therapist said something brilliant though. He said something like: people with social anxiety can be seduced by affirmation. I wrote it on a piece of paper, and of course, I can't find it. Whatever, exactly, he said, it was like opening a door. I've been spinning, trying to see a way forward, and only being able to wind up in a panic, only able to see the negative. Which makes perfect sense, since I have spent a lot of the last couple of years working on really specific bits of my social anxiety. And the fact is, I've worked my way beyond interview anxiety.
Shannon described it as confirmation bias, but it isn't quite like that. I don't know how exactly to describe it. Maybe it is, I don't know. But I know that I'm feeling unstuck, finally.
I still don't know what to do, but I don't feel like I can't do anything.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
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