Good Friday Refection

What are you leaving at the Cross this year?

I'm leaving ordination at the cross this year. I'm not leaving my ministry, I'm not leaving God, I'm not even leaving the church, but I am leaving all the ways that I know my ministry would be a more complete blessing with the authority to offer the sacraments.

Yesterday, I was so angry with my committee and rector for not waiting until after Easter to tell me that they so thoroughly cannot hear any ministry that it's not even worth finishing our allotted time together. Why couldn't I have one more, possibly illusional, experience of the resurrection with the parish that has invested so much to nurture the priesthood that is in me?

Today, I am grateful. Grateful that I don't have to carry that renunciation and repudiation with me for a whole year. Grateful that I live in a city with more than one church that celebrates the Triduum, so that I can carry this cross to the Cross and lay it down.

If anything in this process can be called 'the saddest thing,' I think it is that they seemed to be looking for companionship in a fearfulness that they could not name and so were unable to hear that right now, for the first time in my life, I am imagining, no, I am living into what my ministry can be when lived out of the full promise of the Gospel. I'm sorry that they could not hear that but certainly not enough to throw it away and crawl back into the fear.

The fearless promise of the Gospel is not a place without pain, without mistakes, without an uncertain future. It is a place where pain, mistakes, and uncertainty do not have the final word.

And so this night, I will lay down my cross, this thing so unaffectionately known as The Process, and I will take up the Cross of Jesus, because that yoke is easy and that burden is light.

April 3, 2012

Obliviousness confirmed.


Good morning, Heather,

Ages ago in my own planning I was hoping you'ld preach on the Sunday
after Easter, but I'm not sure I ever actually asked! Is that
something you'ld like to do?

Blessings,
---


Reply
---,

Thank you for your offer, I do enjoy preaching and it is a vital part
of my ministry. However, I will be in Corvallis the day before with
the Commission to End Racism. I am also unsure how I would really be
able to preach an Easter message to the community of --- at
this time.

heather

Reply
Dear Heather,

Thanks for your email about preaching. I am writing because I would like to keep in communication with you, and I'm guessing email is the least uncomfortable way for you to communicate with me during this time. It felt good to serve with you this past Sunday and I hope it was okay for you. 

I have done a little tiny bit of research in the past week on social anxiety as you described it last Thursday in our meeting, and from the little bit I've learned I can only imagine how hard it might be to be in some kind of normal relationship with someone in my position at ---. How can I be helpful?

Assuming the answer to that question is not: "Stay away from me and don't ever approach me again!" I would love it if you would send me some spring and summer dates when you might like to preach so I can plug a couple of them in moving forward.

The other thing on my mind is that --- is doing "pop-up liturgy" at --- in the Chapel on Wednesday during Easter Season and I hope you'll be back among us and be part of that. (It seems you're very close to being done with your Wednesday evening class.) I will probably be there most Wednesdays but probably not all Wednesdays and I would be delighted if you would be K--- "--- point person" once you're available. It would be helpful to me, of course, but I'm asking primarily because I hope it would be fun for you to be part of that liturgy.

Faithfully,

---

Reply

(I did not reply)

Ember Day Letter Four

Dear Bishop ---,

I do apologize that this letter finds you a week late. I am sad to
report that my husband fell ice skating and broke his wrist. Last week
was fairly consumed with putting him back together, including a
surgery on Thursday. If I had written, it would likely have been a
list of appointments and medication schedules. Hardly the stuff of my
spiritual life, but spiritually enlightening and fruitful all the
same.

I have been occupied recently, well, I have realized recently, that I
have long been occupied with the distinction between being in Christ
and doing for Christ. I quite like being a do-er, not the least of
which, it keeps me to busy to reflect deeply on being. Over and over,
this lesson has been handed to me, and I’ve been through a whole range
of responses to it; fear, withdrawal, confusion, tears, anger,
frustration, even a little boredom. Until I finally quit fighting
against it, and made the bold and vocal claim, “I am going to stay
right here until I learn this (expletive deleted) lesson. What,
already!?” And like pregnancy, when you finally give up, a baby is
born.

So I find myself sorting out what it means to be in a state of grace
without doing anything about it. I find over and over and over again,
that I have been seeking human approval because it is so much easier
to find and so much more in concordance with the need for instant
gratification and the motto, “don’t just stand there, do something”
than to be, warts and all, in a state of grace and humility and love,
with the universal Word. I spent January very intentionally letting go
of anything that felt like an obligation, anything that felt like I
was doing because I thought someone expected it of me, or that it
would make me appear a better Christian. This made for an interesting
meeting with my discernment committee when they asked me about my
spiritual practices. I can say that it was probably the least expected
to approach that topic, and at the end of an amazingly fruitful
conversation, I know that they are looking at practices and habits of
approaching God in a new way as well. It was a glimpse, for me, of
what it will look like to act out of a state of being.

In February, I met with my spiritual director and as we talked about
how this practice was going, I discovered the beginning of longing.
Never before have I understood this thing that mystics speak of. I
thought it was like cheeseburgers, perhaps, but it is something that
words do fail me in describing, and I know this because I had to pull
out Aristotle’s accidents and Plato’s cave (which means I owe my
undergrad alma mater fifty dollars) just to begin to think about it.
And this has replaced a Lenten practice this year. Because for my
whole life, my shadows have been between me and God. And they are
still with me, still part of me, but for right now, they are behind me
as I face the Holy. Just right now, the desert looks bright and
welcoming, and as much as I am drawn to the liturgical calendar as a
means of ordering my life, it’s just not lining up with the larger
story of my life right now. I’m not feeling penitent. For once, I’m
not feeling any suffering or sinfulness. My redemption, my
resurrection, has always been something that I have been able to
identify retroactively. I can see places in my life that have been
redeemed, but never before have I sat in that process, watched for
that evolution of being in me, rather than seen the fruits of Christ’s
labor after the fact. I am looking forward to Holy Week and Easter. I
am curious to see what that week looks like from the inside.

Blessings,
heather lee

Reply
Dear Heather: Thank you for your good Ember Day letter. it is interesting to have a few letters from those who have finished their studies and are still in process. You have certainly been walking with God of late and listening to the spirit in your discernment. To imagine stopping doing what is expected and what gets you good marks is a healthy and yet challenging process. I pray it bears fruit.

I am sorry to hear of your husband's fall. --- fell a few years ago in Minnesota on literally the last patch of ice left from a long winter. it was a very challenging time for her and for those around her! I pray his healing is quick and full.

I'd like to hear just a bit more about the discernment committee, how long have you been working with them? remind me of the church context, and how long do you suspect this process to continue.

for those who are doers and who find being challenging it is good to sit and read. Parker Palmer has a short book on the active life which is helpful; if you have not had time to read it yet you might. I am sure your spiritual director can continue to offer good advice as your journey with this being quest. I pray it bears good fruit.

While I have not given birth, I did appreciate your analogy with letting go and giving birth. great image. thanks.

Grace and peace to you this lent.

Reply
Dear Bishop ---,

I wanted to give you a little update on my discernment committee. As
for the general structure, I have attached the outline that was given
to me. At each meeting, we discuss a variety of questions that relate
to the general topic. It's not very involved, mostly a list of dates
and topics. I also meet with individual members of the committee from
time to time.

We are also a bit off topic since we have missed two meetings. For
instance, we met today and spoke on the sacraments. Also, some on
conflict and church growth.

After today's meeting, the committee will consider wether and how long
we might continue to meet, and the head of the committee, ---,
 and my companion, ---, will meet with --- to discuss
areas for further work and get back to me, in a week or two, I
believe. I let --- know that she could email you directly and she
may do that at some point in the near future.

I believe that the meetings are going well. I certainly like to talk
about my current understandings. I find that it helps synthesize
things I learned (and more importantly, unlearned) in seminary, and
helps me see places that need clarification in my own mind. For
instance, I need to go find out more about ember day letters, in
particular, how they got attached to seminarians. ;)

Blessings,
heather lee


Attached Document

Friends,

We will be meeting on Sunday, March 16 as we continue assisting in the discernment process of our aspirants.  We will again meet at --- and my home.

Since we were not able to meet last month, I elected to have us focus on the aspect of the priest’s role with the sacraments.  In addition, this may be a time to also bring questions that you more specifically have for each aspirant as you have been getting to know them over these past months.

Our schedule will be as follows below.  The Committee Members will also have a potluck dinner together.  --- and I will provide a main dish and beverages.  If people can identify what they would like to bring:  salad, side dish, bread, desert, additional wine or other beverage, that will help us all in planning.

03/19/12:  Focus:  Sacraments and other questions

3:00 – 3:15   Committee meets

3:15 – 4:00   Committee meets with ---

4:00 – 4:15   Committee debriefs

4:15 – 5:00 Committee meets with ---

5:00 – 7:00ish Committee has dinner and discussion

Again, thanks to our aspirants as they use this process and thanks to all who are serving on the committee in this important work.