Banal Bites

For here
it's the banal
that pops up from no where

It's the things
young college students
with their new lease on
suffering
call "triggers."

I hope
you never meet any real triggers
and that someday
you learn to appreciate

The banal bites for what they are

Tiny moments for healing

Pocket Wisdom

The mind has wall
Brick Stone Dirt Paper

A corrall for everything
 and for not anything

Today

I'll look behind
Door #2

But I may choose
not to play with
who or what
 I find

Burnt Offering

Why
Why How
How
How Why

Finding a reason
for a reason
for a reason

Seems like cheating

There is no how
no why
for death

Just excuses
we make up
to comfort ourselves

To push back the darkness

On a clear day, it just looks like depression

We grow up
And we stop thinking we can control everything

Which is good, I suppose

But all those
Catastrophe preventing
Superstitious actions

That don't comfort you anymore

At least got the housework done
Bills paid
And kids fed

Triduum

Thursday 5:30am
Accident
Doesn't look good
Calling The Family

On the road

Thursday 6:30pm
nonononononononono

Friday 2:30am
Sleep

Friday 10:00am
Water
Tissue
Discussion
Repeat
Repeat
Repeat

Friday 6:30pm
It is Done

Friday 2:30am
Sleep

Saturday 10:00am
Water
Tissue
Discussion
Repeat
Repeat
Repeat

Saturday 6:30pm
24 more hours
Cannot let go
Cannot let the heart stop beating
Cannot let go
Go outside
Breathe fresh air
Breathe
Cannot let go

Sunday 2:00pm
Church
Definitely not a funeral
But church
And success
And tears
And talking
And we have to leave
Now

Sunday 5:30pm
We walk with demons
Until we stop seeing them
As demons
And let angels do their job

Still Sunday
Toast a life
Thank a nurse
Leave
Begin again
With shoes
Stairs
First time
First time since
First time since Wednesday
First time since Wednesday died

Monday 10:00am
Tea
Tears
Laughter
Lunch
Terror
Betrayal

Tuesday
How can there still be birthdays

Wednesday

Thursday

Friday

Repeat
Repeat
Repeat

Differentiate

All that time, money and therapy
To keep one step ahead
Of that chrysallis wiggling child
To be the better mother
Than the one you had.

All that painful insight
All that diligent remembering what it was like
To be a child yourself

And the day comes
You've got nothing
And you are your own mother
Watching her do the impossible
You've got nothing
Nothing

All that time, money and therapy
To keep one step ahead
Of that chrysallis wiggling child
To be the better mother
Than the one you had.

It turns out
Letting go
Is the hardest part.

45.586517,-122.792891

We've geochached the boy
No prizes for digging up the tree
But take all the pictures you want

Friday

The windows are all open
Karl is supposed to come home tonight
But I won't believe it
                                  until
I see the white whisps over the neighbors houses.

I'm just waiting for everyone to catch up.

Breathing

I'm obsessed that there is something wrong with the dog.

I'm pretty well trained
I know that this is transference and other technical terms
I know that it is normal
And I know to work through it.

But I look at that dog and
After several days of being home
I just want it to end.

The damn dog breathes
Just like a ventilator
Every time I look at him

Sleeping
In his usual spot in the sunshine
He shifts in just that way

I can't even remember
Probably he always slept like this-

But I can't unsee
The strange pulsing
Artificial breath
And feel like it will never end.

Somewhere in the Middle

Be in the present
They say it's the best place to be
Maybe it is
Certainly, when I am in the zone
Amazing, miraculous things happen
Things that are certainly not of my doing

But there is another way of being in the present
Trapped
Can't go back
              Can't go forward
Can't even turn around
Totally in the present
And the present is completely black

It's the shoe waiting to drop
And the waiting persists
Even without the shoe.