Day Three

Well, I didn't try the sleeping pills last night because I fell asleep while meditating with my daughter, and she fell asleep too, and I didn't want to wake her up so I laid there mostly awake all night.

This morning, I made breakfast and took a beta blocker. Wow. Let's just sum it up by saying I love you, I really do, but I can't feel you at all. And when you hurt my feelings, I can say, right out loud without pausing to push down the tears, hey, that hurt my feelings. Because I can't even feel my tears. I rode in the backseat on the freeway and I didn't even bite my nails or jump or anything - unfortunately, I still got carsick, but hey, I'm not ticking like a clock while looking for a bucket.

Is this what other people feel like all the time?

My husband fears I might become a sociopath, or that this in fact does make me a sociopath, but I think a moral compass is something more than just your adrenal glands burning out - and I have both philosophy and theology degrees to back me up on this. In fact, I could probably even look at a theology book without crushing despair and get some theologians to back me up.

I can't actually say that for sure, though, because I am still giving myself permission to stay as far away as I want from church and religion. And it occurs to me that without the weighty dread, I may not be able to find the AT's that are the problem, but I will probably be able to finally seek out a spiritual director who can help me out with them.

And, again, can I just say what a completely bizarre feeling it is to jump and catch your breath when something scares you, but not have the emotional surge that goes with it. It is a huge relief after the last 3 weeks. Heck, I may not even need the sleeping pills. We will just see how I feel about it when I go to bed tonight.