Day Four

Last night we went to a party. Dude, I haven't stayed out until 3am in a long time. And I'm going to do it twice this week - Hobbit opening night for Francis' 15th birthday. I think I'm too tired to need the sleeping pills after all, but it is nice to have them.

Took another beta blocker this morning. Yesterday was a totally functional Saturday, which really means I only got 25% of what I wanted, done. Today, about the same. I never get as much done on the weekend as I want. But the lazy days are pretty important, too.

Of course, I drove past a lot of churches with bells and people walking in. None of them were Episcopal, so it seems to have been just fine.

I did find myself several times today replaying last spring and the arguments in my head. I don't readily see what type of thoughts they are, so I think this is going to take awhile. Perhaps I do have general anxiety disorder, just that I am not highly suggestible. Probably, I am just more subtle and clever about talking shit to myself.

What I did notice, I was able to tell a story to someone last night that I have only ever been able to tell two other people - ever. I'm not typing it in here, because it's someone else's story and more intense than is really appropriate here. I don't even know if it is relevant to this particular thing I'm working on. But the point being, it's been this huge traumatic thing for nearly 20 years, and I could talk about it without crying.

I'm really perplexed by the not crying all the time. I wonder if if this is how everyone else feels all the time. I wonder if I even can cry on these things. And I wonder about my emotional eating - sometimes I eat a lot and sometimes I stop, it just depends. So, I wonder what this will do. The side effects are certainly leaning towards a weight loss plan.