Day Six

Well, I am starting to crawl out of the hole. This would be entirely due to chemical intervention. I am not even ready to consider going sober. But I am actually able to answer the phone - thanks for calling every other day until I picked up Lisa. You are da bomb.

Since Lisa called, and I had my headset and was driving anyway, I took her call. I was able to talk about what is going on, but I nearly cried. I didn't, thank you beta blockers, but getting through December is going to be about as much as I can do, I think. I've still unfriended practically every church friend I had and most of the rest of them are off my wall. I figure, if they are actually my friend, as in, we actually talk at some point in the future, I can just re-friend them. If they have a problem with it, well, they aren't my friend anyway.

I went to the mall today. I had to take my laptop to the Genius Bar because I popped a key off. Turns out, I over use my right arrow key and I wore it out. I was late, and missed my appointment but they took my laptop and fixed it anyway. It took 5 minutes. I'd have come back, since I did in fact miss my appointment, despite being in the mall half hour early.

I was buying a ceramic flat iron. Merry Christmas to me, I need to make sure Shannon hasn't bought those boots I wanted, because the flat iron was pretty spendy. Although it my hair stays curled all night at this party tonight, it was totally worth it. The girl who sold me the flat iron was absolutely adorable and Portugese, or Israeli. I'm a little confused on this, but she was so fun. She said something interesting to me. She said, you are not hard, it is nice. And I worked retail when I was her age, so I know exactly what she means.  I have met a lot of hard people in this life - people who confuse good boundaries with douche like behavior. Something I never wanted to be was hard. Being right has just never been the most important thing to me. Nor being successful, nor being unhurt. I want to be hurt by people, I mean, no one really wants to be hurt, but I never wanted to be so closed to people that they couldn't hurt me. I don't think you can truly love people if they can't hurt you.

I was a little concerned that the medication would make me a bit of an automaton. But this doesn't seem to be the case, at least not where I am with the meds. This is one reason I didn't consider them before. I think it was a good idea to work the skills base first, and maybe I would have ended up on them eventually in any case, but I certainly didn't see this anxiety-meets-grief panic attack coming. So, you know, maybe I won't lose my super power. I'd be ok with losing the crying all the time part of it, but maybe I won't lose the ability to receive, amplify, and return the collective mood of a room back to itself. But maybe I can have a little help not taking this too much on myself. If I can find it, I'll write some other day about what I learned from Caroline Myss this summer. I got a lot to chew on, a lot to use to reframe, listening to her talks this summer. Maybe the bit where I can choose how long to grieve wasn't totally accurate, because it seems I either have some more grieving, or maybe some totally righteous anger to deal with still. I definitely am not done with the anxiety around institutions.

Well, I have a party tonight. I'm going to go play with the flat iron and borrow my daughter's makeup. I should probably buy and wear my own one of these days.