Day Seven

This has been the longest week of my life. I'm just staring at the day seven and thinking, really, and, damn I am so tired.

Last night I could not sleep. I scheduled another therapy appointment today, except the card said the 17th and the computer when I got to registration actually said the 19th, so we were all out of sorts on Monday. The problem being that I was up half the night worried about what I had to talk to my therapist about two days later. The meds haven't had time to do much, and frankly, all I am doing right now is getting through this week. Maybe getting through December, too, but mostly just this week.

Today, Shannon came to wake me up on the couch, where I retired at 4am and apparently fell asleep at some point. And without even opening my eyes I said clear as day - I hate my life. I'm not sure if I actually hate my life but I certainly hate 6am. And I hate my brain that talks and talks and talks to itself all night. The meds are giving me crazy dreams, too, which Francis assured me they would. What she failed to tell me is that I would be unable to tell if I was awake or dreaming, but maybe she can't tell, not everyone can.

Because I am married to the most amazing man on earth, Shannon got the kids off to school today and let me sleep all morning until I had to go to that therapy appointment I didn't have. I went to lunch with him, came home, took another beta blocker just to get through the evening, which helped, and went to school.

Tonight was family night at the middle school. I had plans to register lots of parents for the ptsa, but me, Maua, and pretty much every parent that came into the parent resource room looked like they just needed a hug, so basically, we just gave everyone cake and coffee and a chair. December is just too much. I do as little as possible in December, I stopped making a Christmas production years ago and it still overwhelms. I'm glad this end of semester thing is over, though. I think that I will just do planning for January PTSA stuff for the rest of December and no more stressing out on this stuff. We are going to form the ptsa, so it's not like me needing more meds to not have a panic attack at the school is going to help anything.

I've decided that the therapists are probably right that I have general anxiety but don't know all the parts of it. I think I didn't used to but I've been pushed over the edge. There was a shooting at Clackamas Town Center yesterday. All my people are safe. One of the dead is the father of someone I knows aunts students, so enough space that I'm not knowing them. But one was a 15 year old girl, and I spent yesterday in a mall, and tomorrow we are going to the midnight showing of the hobbit at another mall, and I'm a little sketchy on the malls right now. I'm not usually this way, and maybe it's normal. I don't know. Last year, I moved near the Lloyd Center even though there had been a fatal shooting less than a year earlier. Maybe I'm less weirded out by gang shooting, which are usually pretty random, than I am the random young males but I don't know. I do know that I don't remember being so freaked out about a mall shooting before this. I'm trying to check the news twice a day for unfolding information but not sit on twitter listening to the nonsense. I can't seems to get the movie image of Christmas music and jason masks out of my mind.