Well, I decided to see what the sertraline did without the beta blockers. I'm a little crabby, but no more than usual. I don't feel like anything is different than my usual mood except for the no panic attack.
I wonder if the sertraline is working at all. I hear they don't work if you aren't broken in that particular way. And I still don't think I am depressed.
I haven't had a panic attack in while now. And I haven't cried in two days. It feels like some kind of record. I feel like I should go pick the scab or something - but I have therapy on Wednesday, so I'm sure I can come up with something.
I have a party this evening. I'll tell you how it goes. But in the meantime, I'm still trying to plow through Mad Men.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Day Twenty Four
I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything at all yesterday except for watch Mad Men, except that I also restocked a vehicle for the Red Cross. And went to breakfast with Shannon. I had a nice chat with Claudia over facebook - I am continually surprised by how quickly we became friends despite meeting the week she was leaving for Rwanda.
And I think there is an alarm going off somewhere in the house.
And I think there is an alarm going off somewhere in the house.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Day Twenty Three
Spent the day driving home. I'm tired after two days of not sleeping. I think visiting Bakersfield in the winter is better than the summer since for the first time in forever, I do not have a sinus infection.
Good to know.
Also, I'm missing Francis. She's visiting friends. But it is also a lot calmer without her high spirits. So far so good with the guys. I hope they do manage to have some fun this week. I have not seen a letter of transfer or a report card yet. Maybe tomorrow.
Good to know.
Also, I'm missing Francis. She's visiting friends. But it is also a lot calmer without her high spirits. So far so good with the guys. I hope they do manage to have some fun this week. I have not seen a letter of transfer or a report card yet. Maybe tomorrow.
Day Twenty Two
I spent the day in Bakersfield. I hate Bakersfield. It never gets any more palatable for me, but people keep living there that want to see me anyway.
Shannon's grandmother has been in decline, like dementia not like cancer, for about a year now, and around Thanksgiving, she was hospitalized. Since she didn't die, and we already had plans, we didn't go for that holiday, and since I already had plans with my family for Christmas, we didn't go for that holiday either. But we did go down for a day to see her. I like Alice, and I think I like her better with dementia that before, but that may just be me. I don't mind people who are not altogether in this time zone - they are pleasant companions just how they are. Her children are rather annoyed with her, although not as bad now as they were two years ago.
Shannon's mother's people are external indexers and have poor organizational and/or cleaning skills. Mostly I think they just don't care about dirt that much, but the thing is, those are two traits that can be combined with a trauma and create a hoarder. I have been telling Shannon all about hoarding for the last two years since I became fascinated with the disorder. He seemed to have a good time looking around and talking with his family about the family history, and they have a strong genetic external indexing trait.
I, it turns out, found a new thing with the medication. I had a hard time hyper focusing at Anne's house. She collects collections of collections, so there is far more than any one can look at, and usually, I can just see what I want to there. I wouldn't say that it was ever easy, but apparently, part of the ability to do that is grounded in the anxiety response. I got the cognitive dissonance but not the accompanying physical response that lets me stop seeing it. I'm glad we didn't stay very long. Also, the futon mattress is too old and hard now to sleep comfortably on, but it's still rude to get a motel. I'll have to come up with something before we go back for the sleeping - or remember my trazadone.
Shannon's grandmother has been in decline, like dementia not like cancer, for about a year now, and around Thanksgiving, she was hospitalized. Since she didn't die, and we already had plans, we didn't go for that holiday, and since I already had plans with my family for Christmas, we didn't go for that holiday either. But we did go down for a day to see her. I like Alice, and I think I like her better with dementia that before, but that may just be me. I don't mind people who are not altogether in this time zone - they are pleasant companions just how they are. Her children are rather annoyed with her, although not as bad now as they were two years ago.
Shannon's mother's people are external indexers and have poor organizational and/or cleaning skills. Mostly I think they just don't care about dirt that much, but the thing is, those are two traits that can be combined with a trauma and create a hoarder. I have been telling Shannon all about hoarding for the last two years since I became fascinated with the disorder. He seemed to have a good time looking around and talking with his family about the family history, and they have a strong genetic external indexing trait.
I, it turns out, found a new thing with the medication. I had a hard time hyper focusing at Anne's house. She collects collections of collections, so there is far more than any one can look at, and usually, I can just see what I want to there. I wouldn't say that it was ever easy, but apparently, part of the ability to do that is grounded in the anxiety response. I got the cognitive dissonance but not the accompanying physical response that lets me stop seeing it. I'm glad we didn't stay very long. Also, the futon mattress is too old and hard now to sleep comfortably on, but it's still rude to get a motel. I'll have to come up with something before we go back for the sleeping - or remember my trazadone.
Day Twenty One
Yes, I'm catching up three days. I went to Bakersfield and I forgot to bring my laptop. Not even considering trying to blog on my phone - its not that big.
On the drive down, I noticed that I make decisions differently on the medication. For instance, I do math to see if I can pass the other car; is there enough room for the speed that the other driver and myself are going? This is completely new. I started working on not taking other drivers personally when I got to San Francisco, and it has made for a much more pleasant experience, but I hadn't realized just how much a difference the medication makes in that now.
In at least one place in my life, I have successfully transitioned to a state of disinterest - a clinical term that means I'm not taking everything personally or wondering if other drivers will think I am a good person by how I drive. Because honestly, as long as I am not impeding traffic or being reckless, who cares if I pass you or you pass me. We all just want to get off the f'ing I5.
I must say that Shannon, my perpetual passenger, is rather unnerved by my new style of driving. I wonder how I would feel with him driving now? Usually I am totally high strung and freaking out when he drives.
On the drive down, I noticed that I make decisions differently on the medication. For instance, I do math to see if I can pass the other car; is there enough room for the speed that the other driver and myself are going? This is completely new. I started working on not taking other drivers personally when I got to San Francisco, and it has made for a much more pleasant experience, but I hadn't realized just how much a difference the medication makes in that now.
In at least one place in my life, I have successfully transitioned to a state of disinterest - a clinical term that means I'm not taking everything personally or wondering if other drivers will think I am a good person by how I drive. Because honestly, as long as I am not impeding traffic or being reckless, who cares if I pass you or you pass me. We all just want to get off the f'ing I5.
I must say that Shannon, my perpetual passenger, is rather unnerved by my new style of driving. I wonder how I would feel with him driving now? Usually I am totally high strung and freaking out when he drives.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Day Twenty
My therapist asked me the last time we met if I was good at politics. I used to think I was, but I'm having doubt. This isn't bad, it's just reassessment.
In the car this morning, Shannon said he was beginning to see how all the ways that I learned to manage my anxiety made me so preternaturally (his word) good at helping other people when they were anxious or in doubt. I figured this out a couple years ago, while in seminary, I think I had just forgotten it.
And, I'm thinking, the hyper-vigilance of other people's discomfort really is one of my super powers, but it is also, like, the opposite of politic.
I am thinking, I need to find the reasons that my committee and even Sara, made the right decision, even if for the wrong reasons, and then find the peace with that. The problem is I was so appalled by the framing of the situation to Sara's advantage that she was doing in the middle of the situation, that it feels like I am letting her version be true if I agree at all.
The problem is that, despite the fact that no one who matters to me (whether the powers (lol, I typed posers) that be matter is another question for another day) agrees with her assessment, I am still afraid it might be true.
In the car this morning, Shannon said he was beginning to see how all the ways that I learned to manage my anxiety made me so preternaturally (his word) good at helping other people when they were anxious or in doubt. I figured this out a couple years ago, while in seminary, I think I had just forgotten it.
And, I'm thinking, the hyper-vigilance of other people's discomfort really is one of my super powers, but it is also, like, the opposite of politic.
I am thinking, I need to find the reasons that my committee and even Sara, made the right decision, even if for the wrong reasons, and then find the peace with that. The problem is I was so appalled by the framing of the situation to Sara's advantage that she was doing in the middle of the situation, that it feels like I am letting her version be true if I agree at all.
The problem is that, despite the fact that no one who matters to me (whether the powers (lol, I typed posers) that be matter is another question for another day) agrees with her assessment, I am still afraid it might be true.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Day Nineteen
I have survived Christmas. Except for the packing of Francis for her trip to Portland. But she is off drowning in the shower, so except that I need some numbers from her, it's no problem.
We went out to my aunt and uncles house for dinner and some presents. It was a nice and low key afternoon. We watched the mega tv they have - Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Always fun. Surprised that it was on their tv, I don't often think that we have things in common like britcom.
It was raining on the way out, and I was ok, but it was pouring on the way back, and dark, and so after an hour, I was pretty jumpy. Times sure change, Shannon just looked at me and said, did you take your medication today? And I said, yes, but I forgot to take another beta blocker with me to take for the drive home.
I'm kind on intrigued by how they work. The first few days, I was rather giddy and giggly, but by the end of the week, I was back to myself again. I'm just as likely to get upset about things, but I'm able to let go of it faster. Last night, my aunt asked if I could unwind with a glass of wine, and I said no, it wasn't like that, but what I thought was, not unless I want to be come an alcoholic. I'm a pretty terrible alcoholic in any case, so this is the better option. It makes parties a little more difficult, not for awkwardness, but just because they involve a lot of drinking and at some point, the only way drunks are entertaining is when you are drunk too. But it does guarantee a sober driver. So there is that.
So, the first half of Christmas is done. Now to get Francis off and the Bakersfield party visited, then I can spend a couple of days walking on the beach or something - provided it stops raining for a few minutes.
We went out to my aunt and uncles house for dinner and some presents. It was a nice and low key afternoon. We watched the mega tv they have - Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Always fun. Surprised that it was on their tv, I don't often think that we have things in common like britcom.
It was raining on the way out, and I was ok, but it was pouring on the way back, and dark, and so after an hour, I was pretty jumpy. Times sure change, Shannon just looked at me and said, did you take your medication today? And I said, yes, but I forgot to take another beta blocker with me to take for the drive home.
I'm kind on intrigued by how they work. The first few days, I was rather giddy and giggly, but by the end of the week, I was back to myself again. I'm just as likely to get upset about things, but I'm able to let go of it faster. Last night, my aunt asked if I could unwind with a glass of wine, and I said no, it wasn't like that, but what I thought was, not unless I want to be come an alcoholic. I'm a pretty terrible alcoholic in any case, so this is the better option. It makes parties a little more difficult, not for awkwardness, but just because they involve a lot of drinking and at some point, the only way drunks are entertaining is when you are drunk too. But it does guarantee a sober driver. So there is that.
So, the first half of Christmas is done. Now to get Francis off and the Bakersfield party visited, then I can spend a couple of days walking on the beach or something - provided it stops raining for a few minutes.
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