Today was the first day back in the grind. Of course, everyone was up extra early and we actually got out the door in time for the first time in forever. This will be over by Friday, if not Wednesday, I am sure.
I've made appointments for Wed and Thurs to do Red Cross work, which means I really need to do some work in preparation for those meetings.
Tomorrow, however, is for PTSA. I will need to send some email to Michelle, and set some dates for the various things that we need to accomplish in time for the final formation meeting. Hopefully, Michelle will be more responsive now that the holidays are over.
I didn't go like a marathon runner today, but I did actually accomplish some things. Francis got to her appt, Simon got a Clipper card, finally, I got gas, dropped the girl off to collect hand me down from her friend, and the guys and I went out for dinner. I even managed to get the dog walked in there. I took a nap and watched TV between 10 and 2, but, you know, whatever.
Tomorrow night, I think we are going to a party for Emperor Norton's 132nd anniversary or some such, and I need to find beggar Victorian clothing. No idea, but we will surely come up with something.
Oh, and one of the side effects of the Zoloft are tics. I think I found my first one. Or noticed it for what it is finally. My upper lip tics-strangely annoying, hopefully not noticeable, or not as a sneer at least. It's very bizarre.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Day Thirty One
Well, this is yesterday again.
Andy came over to do laundry and crash for the night. He got a loft that I expect we will be spending a lot of time over there in the next few months creating his hacker space.
I spent the weekend cleaning house and doing laundry. It is almost caught up. I'm still uninterested in my room because it is so cold. It will have to be worked on tomorrow when the kids go back to school.
I felt ok yesterday. I tried to take a sleep aid last night. In that I am not tired it probably worked but I felt like I was awake all night. I might ask for something else but we will see after I have been back in the saddle a week or so.
Andy came over to do laundry and crash for the night. He got a loft that I expect we will be spending a lot of time over there in the next few months creating his hacker space.
I spent the weekend cleaning house and doing laundry. It is almost caught up. I'm still uninterested in my room because it is so cold. It will have to be worked on tomorrow when the kids go back to school.
I felt ok yesterday. I tried to take a sleep aid last night. In that I am not tired it probably worked but I felt like I was awake all night. I might ask for something else but we will see after I have been back in the saddle a week or so.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Day Thirty
Spent the day cleaning house. This is good, because I haven't felt the slightest bit inclined to do so for some time and it was getting a little nasty around here.
I've put a desk in the living room - no one was playing chess anyway. I need a place to do some work, a place to put up my sewing machine and do some quilting, maybe make some pants. I don't know particularly, I just know that I need a place that I can make a bit of a mess, and we don't have so much company that it matters if I have a desk in the living room. Shannon spends most of his time in the bedroom, either in a chair or on the bed. We will need to find him a chair that both fits in the space and is comfortable. Although he spent a good amount of time working on his man cave and it is very nice down there, now.
I'm starting to think about my life again. I'm starting to think about what I want to do. I'm wondering if I want to stay in the spirituality gig or do something else. I'm not at all upset about thinking about this but I haven't tried saying it aloud. I'm thinking I might actually be able to get myself a spiritual director. I enjoy my therapist, and we are making some progress, but there are things that I need to do that he can't help me with.
I've put a desk in the living room - no one was playing chess anyway. I need a place to do some work, a place to put up my sewing machine and do some quilting, maybe make some pants. I don't know particularly, I just know that I need a place that I can make a bit of a mess, and we don't have so much company that it matters if I have a desk in the living room. Shannon spends most of his time in the bedroom, either in a chair or on the bed. We will need to find him a chair that both fits in the space and is comfortable. Although he spent a good amount of time working on his man cave and it is very nice down there, now.
I'm starting to think about my life again. I'm starting to think about what I want to do. I'm wondering if I want to stay in the spirituality gig or do something else. I'm not at all upset about thinking about this but I haven't tried saying it aloud. I'm thinking I might actually be able to get myself a spiritual director. I enjoy my therapist, and we are making some progress, but there are things that I need to do that he can't help me with.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Day Twenty Nine
I had a good day today. I actually washed a few dishes, remembered to pay my rent, and had a nice chat with Claudia.
I haven't made any real plans, I know what I need to do next week, and over the next few months, but in case it all goes flooey, I'm enjoying the last few days of my vacation.
The GOE's are happening right now, this is the Ordination Exams, OWL's if you are into Harry Potter, and a couple years ago, I failed all five or six or however many there were, essays. I took that really hard, but thought that I was going to be able to compensate for it - plenty of people do. What I really learned was that I could have a panic attack the likes of which I'd never had before (this latest one was way worse, if only because it was longer) and that I could only do what I could do, and no more. I don't think the failing was the hard part of the results, it was the comments of the readers. But, I lost the GOE's in a hard drive crash a year ago, so I never have to worry about them again, which is nice. I thought I would be really upset about them this year, but it turns out, I notice the posts of facebook, mostly of people supporting the current crop, since I unfriended practically everyone, and certainly everyone who is taking them this week, and I can be pretty disinterested in it.
I think that one of the things that is going to fall out of all this is that I am much more committed to social justice than the church, and that I am much more committed to actual action than just palliative conscience easing. And the action that lets the powerless become powerful, even if it means I don't like the outcome, which is something that seems to be very difficult for most churchy and non profit types.
I wonder what I can actually do with this? For right now, it is going to be starting a PTSA at the middle school. It is going to be a busy, busy month.
I haven't made any real plans, I know what I need to do next week, and over the next few months, but in case it all goes flooey, I'm enjoying the last few days of my vacation.
The GOE's are happening right now, this is the Ordination Exams, OWL's if you are into Harry Potter, and a couple years ago, I failed all five or six or however many there were, essays. I took that really hard, but thought that I was going to be able to compensate for it - plenty of people do. What I really learned was that I could have a panic attack the likes of which I'd never had before (this latest one was way worse, if only because it was longer) and that I could only do what I could do, and no more. I don't think the failing was the hard part of the results, it was the comments of the readers. But, I lost the GOE's in a hard drive crash a year ago, so I never have to worry about them again, which is nice. I thought I would be really upset about them this year, but it turns out, I notice the posts of facebook, mostly of people supporting the current crop, since I unfriended practically everyone, and certainly everyone who is taking them this week, and I can be pretty disinterested in it.
I think that one of the things that is going to fall out of all this is that I am much more committed to social justice than the church, and that I am much more committed to actual action than just palliative conscience easing. And the action that lets the powerless become powerful, even if it means I don't like the outcome, which is something that seems to be very difficult for most churchy and non profit types.
I wonder what I can actually do with this? For right now, it is going to be starting a PTSA at the middle school. It is going to be a busy, busy month.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Day Twenty Eight
What I mostly have to report is that a post every day is difficult. Francis came home today. It was nice to have a break from being an active mom for awhile.
Day Twenty Seven
Went to see my therapist today, and the med check, so it was a full service kind of day.
Not going to change anything with the meds right now. I have another appointment in about a month to see where we are after I pick up my life again.
My therapist said something brilliant though. He said something like: people with social anxiety can be seduced by affirmation. I wrote it on a piece of paper, and of course, I can't find it. Whatever, exactly, he said, it was like opening a door. I've been spinning, trying to see a way forward, and only being able to wind up in a panic, only able to see the negative. Which makes perfect sense, since I have spent a lot of the last couple of years working on really specific bits of my social anxiety. And the fact is, I've worked my way beyond interview anxiety.
Shannon described it as confirmation bias, but it isn't quite like that. I don't know how exactly to describe it. Maybe it is, I don't know. But I know that I'm feeling unstuck, finally.
I still don't know what to do, but I don't feel like I can't do anything.
Not going to change anything with the meds right now. I have another appointment in about a month to see where we are after I pick up my life again.
My therapist said something brilliant though. He said something like: people with social anxiety can be seduced by affirmation. I wrote it on a piece of paper, and of course, I can't find it. Whatever, exactly, he said, it was like opening a door. I've been spinning, trying to see a way forward, and only being able to wind up in a panic, only able to see the negative. Which makes perfect sense, since I have spent a lot of the last couple of years working on really specific bits of my social anxiety. And the fact is, I've worked my way beyond interview anxiety.
Shannon described it as confirmation bias, but it isn't quite like that. I don't know how exactly to describe it. Maybe it is, I don't know. But I know that I'm feeling unstuck, finally.
I still don't know what to do, but I don't feel like I can't do anything.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
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