March 29, 2012

Hi, Heather,

I'm wondering if you'll join me for a cup of coffee next Wednesday or Thursday morning around 10:30. I'll likely be working at Coffee Division on 35th & Division. Any chance?  

Faithfully,

---

Reply

I appreciate your kind offer, especially during Holy Week, but no thank you.

heather

What I won't share is the giant, long, fuck you email I wrote at 3am. It was productive for what it was at the time, but really, it makes no sense. 

March 20, 2012

In addition to this email exchange, I also had an hour long meeting in the fall with this person and the first discernment committee meeting where I spoke at length about my social anxiety. At the Meeting on Thursday the 29th at 11:30am, I mentioned it again and was told it was the first she was hearing of it. Altogether, I read all of these exchanges as signs of caring or interest, but in reality, I don't believe anyone was really paying attention to me at all. 

Friends,

I would like to schedule our time together for one of the following times:

Wed, 3/28 at 10:00 AM  (This is my first choice)  or

Thurs, 3/29 at 11:30 AM.

Please let me know if you are available for Wed, and, if we all are, lets plan to meet at the church, --- Office at 10:00.

If this won't work, I hope the Thurs time will work, same place.

I will appreciate hearing from you as soon as possible.

Thanks

Reply

Sorry ---,

I have a therapy appointment at 10am on Wednesday to talk about how I
will get through this meeting without setting off my social anxiety.
:)

But Thursday will work for me.

heather

Reply

Dear Heather and all,

Thanks for the response, Heather.  I certainly honor you keeping that appt.
on Wed. as good self care.

We will meet next Thursday, 3/29 at 11:30 in --- office at the church.
Lenten Blessings to all,

---

March 9, 2012

Dear ---,

I have received a reply from my Ember Day letter to Bishop ---. He
would like to know some more information about my discernment
committee.

In particular, how long we have been meeting and how much longer do we
intend to meet. I wanted to check with you about the answer to this
second question because we have missed a couple of meetings since we
started and I am wondering how we will accomodate that?

He also asked how it was going. I know my answer to that but wanted to
offer the committee the opportunity to respond to him, either through
my return letter or if you just wanted to email him directly.

I will see you on Sunday - don't forget it's Daylight Savings Time.

Blessings,
heather lee

Reply
Hey Heather,

I had hoped to chat with you at church today but have had a terrible cold
and left after the sermon today.

The bishop's questions are good and about a week too early for our
Committee.  As you know, we have been meeting since October.  We had to
cancel the February meeting due to a number of committee members being
unable to attend due to a parishoner's wedding outside the area.  As you
recall, you were unable to meet for one of our monthly sessions due to a
previously scheduled family commitment.  As such, we have had three times to
meet with you.

As you know we will have another meeting this coming Sunday.  The Committee
will then spend some time together over dinner to discuss what we are
discerning with each of you brave aspirants.  The Committee will then
recommend next steps for each aspirant.  We will identify how to communicate
what we are discerning with each aspirant at that time as well as
communicating this to each of you in a timely manner.

I am sure we will have more information after this coming Sunday, 3/19.
After the Sunday meeting, I will plan to send Bishop --- an update
regarding possible timelines in response to his question.  In addition, I
will update him on what the Committee's thinking is after our time together
next  Sunday.  I encourage you to provide him with your perceptions as well.

I hope this answers your questions and I look forward to our time together
next Sunday.  I am also sending this to --- since she is your identified
companion in this process.  Also, feel free to forward this to the Bishop in
response to his questions.

Peace be with you in this Lenten season.

Reply
That's exactly where I thought we were :)

I'm sorry you weren't well. I'm glad you got to hear the sermon. I
thought --- offered some particularly thought provoking insights.

I'll send a note along to the bishop just to let him know that I
haven't forgotten about him, and we can move along as we have already
planned.

Thanks for this. See you soon,
heather lee

The Conversion of St Paul the Apostle

Acts 26:9-21 

Galatians 1:11-24 

Matthew 10:16-22 

Psalm 67

“When they hand you over, do not worry about how you are to speak or what you are to say; for what you are to say will be given to you at that time; for it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.” Matthew 10:19-20

I worry a lot about what the right thing to do or to say in any given situation is. This comes from a few different places; I have an anxiety disorder, and if I worry too much about that, it pops up; I’m a class jumper, first to attend college, let alone have a master’s degree in my family; I am also a religion swapper, no longer a Baptist but an Episcopalian; and I’m the Democratic ‘step-child’ in a family of Republicans and Libertarians. Talk about the American Dream that says, you can be anything you want.

What this means, in real life, is that I spend a lot of time in the borderlands, not completely comfortable in any of these situations. I spend a lot of time checking, where am I? what do we believe here? how do I fit in? 

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But I always say, an apology is worth a thousand mistakes.  Or I would, if I could be as clever on the fly as I am in writing. This doesn’t change the fact that it’s true. In Christianity we get thousands upon thousands of opportunities to apologize. It also means that we get thousands upon thousands of opportunities to get it wrong. And there are thousands upon thousands of opportunities to share forgiveness. 

This is the obvious secret of Christianity, and the sticking point, because it’s hard. It’s hard to be wrong, it’s hard to apologize, and it’s hard to forgive. And the message, yeah, so, get over it and get on with it, is the great message of Paul’s ministry. When we get wrapped up in the particulars of what his flock were wrong about, we lose the impossible simplicity of his message. 

Holding Out for a Hero

Third Sunday after Epiphany Year B

Jonah 3:1-5, 10Psalm 62: 6-141 Corinthians 7: 29-31Mark 1:14-20

I’ve known my husband a long time, and the whole time I’ve known him, he has collected life lessons. There are quite a few of them now, but the first one, from before we were even married is this, “the hero is the guy who just wants to finish his beer and go home.” 

I believe that this life lesson just might explain why Jonah is his favorite story in the bible. Because Jonah was a guy with a good job as a local prophet, when God called him out to do something extra ordinary. Something he really didn’t want to do. In fact, it took being vomited out of a fish for him to finally, grudgingly, do what God asked. 

So, being left with no choice, he proclaims destruction on Ninevah. 

You will note, Jonah does not preach repentance. He does not evangelize.  He couldn’t care less about the Ninevites, he is just trying to finish the job so he can go home. And yet, through Jonah, the kindgom of God draws near. The Ninevites believe God, they believe this cranky disgruntled prophet of God and their instinctive response is towards sackcloth and ashes. Towards repentance.  And what happened? “When God saw what they did, how they turned from their evil ways, God changed his mind about the calamity that he had said he would bring upon them; and he did not do it.”

I bet you didn’t know Jonah was a hero. Unless you’ve been cornered by my husband at coffee hour, you might never have considered a hero in quite that way. We tend to think of heroes as doers, as people in charge of a situation, people who get things done. People who solve problems. Heroes are people who know that “any minute now, I am going to be called to be more than I am.” Clark Kent, awkward reporter, Peter Parker, inept photographer. But at a moment’s notice, Superman. Spiderman. Hero.

The disciples are heroes of this sort. The sort that make mothers and fathers and spouses fear for their sanity. Jesus wanders along the shore of the Sea of Galilee, and I imagine he says this to everyone he meets. “Follow me and I will make you fish for people.” I have to wonder if the gossip got ahead of him. “Some crazy man is walking along the beach looking for help netting people. I sure hope my kids don’t get any dumb ideas.” 

What were Simon and Andrew thinking? Did Simon have a fight with his wife that morning? Was he already wondering, what if I just dropped this net and walked away? 

What did Zebedee say to James and John, when they jumped out of the boat? Did he call after them, reminding them that this was their inheritance they were walking away from?

How did Simon and Andrew and James and John know that this minute was the minute they were being called to be more than they were?

How did they know, that this call was the call, the one worth walking away from what they had, what they knew, what they were? Like those fishermen, we are always facing choices that are bigger than we can really grasp at the time. Do I take that job? The one in a different state? Will it be good for my family? Will it change the world? 

I believe we all want to change the world, we all want to do something that is bigger than ourselves, something that will leave a mark. That’s not the same as famous or popular or rich, although that is what it means for some people. I don’t want to be famous, but I’d still like to be a hero, even if I’m the only one who knows that I’ve done something heroic. 

As Christians, we want to leave the world a better place than we found it, create a place that looks a little closer to the kingdom of God than we understood it, for people we know and for places we will never go. That’s what those fishermen did, even thought they had no idea, not in the moment, how it was all going to turn out. Still, somehow, by some faith, they knew they were being called to change the world.

Jesus is calling heroes. God is making heroes whether they want to or not. Are you already a hero? Or is there something holding you back? Is it the fear that you might have to leave everything behind? Do you believe being a hero is only possible if you go on a long perilous journey against your will or if you abandon your family to follow a man in strappy sandals? 

Sometimes the most world changing thing we can do is stick around, to stay home, to keep on doing the right thing, the thing right in front of you, even if it’s boring, or frightening, or completely lacking in glamour and prestige. Sometimes staying in relationship with someone or something impossible is absolutely the most heroic thing anyone ever did. Sometimes, it’s letting someone go. 

Sometimes the most heroic thing anyone can do is look at the present situation as though it were, in fact, part of the kingdom of God. It’s easy to say the future is going to be better, (or worse), than the present. It’s easy to look at the past, and imagine it could have been something else, it could have been perfect. It is often really difficult to look at the present and say, this is what it is, this is where I am, this is where God is doing great things. Even if we can’t see anything heroic about it. 

This is what I think Jesus said to those fishermen. “Leave those fish for people who can only see fish. The kingdom of heaven has more than fish. I know you. I know you can see more than fish. Bring all that you are, all that you can see. It’s going to be more important and more useful than those fish.” 

Jesus wasn’t looking for fishermen, because he wasn’t looking to catch some fish. He was and is looking for some visionaries, for some heroes - the kind who want to stay home and the kind who want to fly. He is looking for some people who can see the kingdom of God, and who can show other people, right in this present moment, that the kingdom of God has drawn near. Repent. Believe in the Good News. For the kingdom of God is here. 

Ember Day Letter Three

“I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.” Mark Twain.

Dear Bishop ---l,
Greetings in the name of the baby Jesus - whose mother would have been in the ‘just get it out’ phase of her pregnancy on this date. I must admit that I experience this particular place in life more than just in pregnancy. Sometimes and from some perspectives, usually called the long view, everything is unfolding nicely and at a pace I can actually assimilate and grow with. Other perspectives are not so easy. My husband’s perspective in particular is very frustrated and impatient right now. Although we knew even as we made the decision to attend
seminary, particularly at the time in the life of the institution and my own process, that this separation at the end was both possible and likely, he struggles with being part of the migrant labor class.

Although this is increasingly common in the current economy, the knowledge doesn’t make reality any easier. He particularly asked me to convey to you, the sense of betrayal he feels that the Vocation’s Conference will be 6 months later than it was planned at the time we made these decisions. I don’t know that we would have made different decisions, but there is a sense of the broken contract for him, and frustration that the most indeterminate phase of my process for our family has been extended by what might be another year. I suppose it
says something about my own relationship with the institution that after an initial sense of dismay, I was unsurprised. The shifting sand is moving throughout far more than one diocesan discernment process.
The profound moment of change that the whole world is experiencing began before I was born and will still be sorting itself out after I have met my reward. I wonder about institutions, about tradition. What is the nature of
change in them? I think about wheels. Perhaps the wheel is fine, perhaps the material it is made of is what needs to change. Wood, to rubber, to steel radials, we are still using wheels and we are still fitting them to the ruts in the road left there by Roman chariots. I wonder if our institutions and traditions will really look as
different as we imagine they will when we re-enter a period of cultural stability. What I think will change is what they sound like, what story will they tell, when they have re-interpreted the tradition into the new culture.
As with most things, I tend to enter this story telling through the lens of power and authority. I was intrigued and excited by the feedback the Commission to End Racism received from the December 3 training. Several people reflected on power and authority and how/where they are utilized in diverse leadership. Our commission
meeting was very well attended last Wednesday, with many new faces excited to take up the work, to realize the vision of a Gospel world. There were so many of us that our usual 2 hours was not enough time to contain it. I think I am never so happy as when I am able, in some way, to help the Spirit catch fire and I find myself inspired out of a job. I see this happen over and over, although I have to admit, Chicken Little is still my patron saint. I always have that moment, that day, that month, where I am sure that God has left the building and it is all on me. When I imagine the ocean of God’s patience, it is in this context. God calls us to do our part, and our part is to be the place where joy overcomes fear. So many of us seem to run around gathering up fear, as though it were perhaps finite, and if we hoard it there will be less to go around. Hmm, I hope someday to live into even a fraction of the wisdom I surprise myself with when I am still and let God be God.

Which leads me, naturally I suppose, to self care and how I am living into God’s promise. Because I feel so called to moments of profound transition, I am paying particular attention to how I am experiencing this transition. I know, for example, that I am prone to fall into a depression at times of transition if I do not attend to the grieving that needs to occur at times of loss. And that for all transitions are moments of opportunity, they are also by definition times of loss. So, far, I have not found myself in any extended funk from this transition, and this is a fantastic expression of the metanoia that God brings to my life. It has also brought into focus some of the ways the Protestant work ethic finds expression in my life, because I find myself frustrated with how much time it takes to take care of myself, and I find a thread of guilt that I am privileged to have that abundance of time. It is ironic to me that I feel this way about my own life, when one of the biggest gifts to ministry I bring is the living of the maxim, “things are going to take the time they take and that we have all the time we need.” I am trying to learn the gifts of starting and stopping times, but not through my own will, and I am grateful if sometimes disgruntled by the people helping me learn this gift. I must say one of the very best things about non-American ministries and friendships is that they allow me to live in a different sense of time that flows more naturally with my own inner clock. (And everyone talks about Americans and their busy sense of time.) Speaking of clocks, my external clock tells me that it is time to close this letter. And so I leave you with a blessing that was given to me this year and that I share as often as I can. It is a quote from Barbara Brown Taylor, told to me by David Schlafer. “God says to us, ‘Belong to me, be what you want.’” When we remember to whom we belong, so much of the rest falls into peace.
Blessings of the Incarnate God,heather lee
December 15, 2011John Horden, Bishop and Missionary in Canada,
provisional in HWHM

Reply
Dear Heather:

I do thank you for your Ember Day letter. While on the long side it is
well written and expresses a good deal of where you are and what you are
experiencing at time point in your process. I do thank you for your
honesty and the time and attention you put into the letter.

I do realize that there are challenges in every institution and that
power and authority can at times be oppressive, or at least seem so. I
myself had an additional year in seminary simply because my bishop
thought I was too young to be ordained! Quite a challenging year for us
living on campus after my middler year and not going to classes and then
watching my original classmates graduate and get ordained a year ahead
of me! I suspect there is something of this story in your story. In my
case patience did pay off and while I as still not convinced my bishop
was right, there were good lessons learned in that year of working
outside the church.

I do sympathize with you and with your husband as you wait longer than
expected for the conference and for all the challenges that are in the
way of the goal you have.

If my memory serves me well I believe you have completed seminary and
that you have some work to do related to your GOE scores. I heard you
when you said that you did not want to retake the exams and so I will be
talking to the examining chaplains of the diocese about how to proceed
in your situation. As a general rule I have asked the examining
chaplains to retest those who received a score of one in a particular
area. I do not have your results at my fingertips right now but I do
believe you had a number of ones on your exam. For those areas in which
a person received a score of 2 the examining chaplain is asked to read
the exam answer and then determine what work, if any, is needed in that
area. Scores of 3 or higher are considered to have passed and no further
work in those areas is needed.

You and I should talk about your exams and make a decision about how and
when to go about whatever work is required. The challenge is that you
have not been approved by the COM, thus making retesting at this time a
bit premature; however waiting also does not seem like a great idea. I
would like to hear your thoughts about this issue.

My prayers and Blessings to you in the Holy Season,
---

Reply
Dear Bishop ---,

In response to your inquiry, I have been thinking about GOE's, in no
small measure because I have several friends taking the exam this
week, but also because my hard drive crashed this week, before I
migrated my data to my new machine. And I apparently failed to back up
my last semester, which would include my GOE exams and results. While
this isn't entirely surprising, I was busy graduating and moving at
the time I would have done my backup and I assumed later that it was
backed up, it is frustrating and I am wondering if I should just
concede the point and plan to take them next year, after I meet with
the COM and know if the work is even necessary.

When I was perhaps 20, I collected sarcastic and ironic lapel pins,
including one that says, "great, another ***ing growth opportunity."
God has pushed, pulled and otherwise accompanied me through so many
metanoia moments since I took off my shoes in the holy place (a la
Moses) that perhaps we will be on top of this iteration of my social
anxiety disorder by then as well.

In other news, I have had a wonderful three weeks of my husband home
which has done a world of good for our sense of family and we should
be able to proceed from here better grounded in the reality of living
in two states.

Thank you for your attention to my particularities and I expect I will
see you soon since the Commission to End Racism is planning to occupy
the library at The Close again in order to prepare for the second
training.

Blessings,
heather lee

Reply
I do have access, I think, to your GOE tests so all is not lost in the
hard drive crash! I also think I have a document on which I noted what
each of the three of you taking the exams did on each of the questions.

I believe the lapel pin would have read "AFGE". I am well acquainted
with that saying as parish ministry is full of them. My reading of
scripture suggest that God never quits pulling and pushing us, and also
that God is Ok often with our making a variety of responses to God's
call. As long as we are faithful to God's call to serve the world in
which we live.

I am glad you have had time to be better grounded in your family life. I
was not aware that you and your husband were not in the same state at
this point. Can you help remind me of your situation?

I do hope to see you soon, if the meeting of the committee is next week,
I will be away for most of it in LA.

Blessings,
--

Reply
Bishop ---,
I suppose the short answer is that there are no jobs for my husband in
Portland, complicated by the reality that there is unlikely to be a
job for me in Portland regardless of the outcome with the COM.
Since my husband is at a point where his career is about to step up to
management, and his vocation is becoming obsolete (sys admins are
going the way of dinosaurs) it didn't seem prudent to step down in
order to get a job in Portland, especially when my own prospects are
so amorphous at this time. And since what interests me most about
parish ministry is the least likely to even cover my loan payments, it
seems best to not lose the one income we do have.
When we made the decision, it was at least a year apart but more
difficult, a year of not knowing how to make plans at all, so when we
discovered that the COM was moving the conference out another 6
months, it just added even more time to the unknowing.
And, just to complicate matters, it isn't just the GOE's that will
need to be remediated, I will still need to do my CPE unit. I was
intending to find a position for the summer but there aren't any in
Portland at all anymore. This complication came about because of my
children, (now 14 and 11). I just didn't have the resources to see
that they were taken care of for a summer program while I was in
seminary and the solution I had hoped for isn't available anymore.

That seems to be the bulk of my discerning difficulties. My call is
still strong, if anything it seems to have a settled feeling in my
heart contrary to the rest of my reality, if that makes any sense.  My
discernment committee at --- is meeting monthly and I think
those meetings are going well. I check in with --- regularly and
she is an absolute rock for my anxious moments. --- has agreed to
help me with my spiritual autobiography, since the last one I wrote is
pre-seminary and I've been pretty deep in the growth opportunities the
last few years. And i am grateful for them, even if I am not feeling
particularly grateful for my student loan payments, but that time and
that education is already absolutely worth it.

And here I have sent you an entirely new ember day letter. Have a good
trip to LA, bring back some warmth, we have plenty of sunshine
somehow.

Blessings,
heather lee

December 12, 2011

I am still trying to figure out how this exchange was hostile, her exact word. And the meeting never did happened. And when this exchange took place, I had no idea the the various members of the committee were supposed to be meeting with me.

1. Hey Heather,

I don't know if you have any time for coffee this week.  I wondered if you are available this Thurs, 12/15, at 11:00 AM or after 2:00 on Thursday.  Let me know if there is a time that could work.

Hope you are well and surviving the thriving in this advent season.

Take care,

---

2. ---,

I could probably get together briefly, really briefly at 11 am on
Thursday, but this week is pretty busy. Just out of curiosity, I
thought --- was my go-to person? Or is this about something else?

heather

3. Heather,

You are right about --- being your go to person.  I thought it may be useful
to have coffee and chat, but we could meet in January as well.  Let's not do
this week and look to the other side of Christmas.

See you Sunday.

4. Ok, I'm not complaining, I was just wondering. This week is pretty
swampy, though. See you Sunday.