“I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.” Mark Twain.
Dear Bishop ---l,
Greetings in the name of the baby Jesus - whose mother would have been in the ‘just get it out’ phase of her pregnancy on this date. I must admit that I experience this particular place in life more than just in pregnancy. Sometimes and from some perspectives, usually called the long view, everything is unfolding nicely and at a pace I can actually assimilate and grow with. Other perspectives are not so easy. My husband’s perspective in particular is very frustrated and impatient right now. Although we knew even as we made the decision to attend
seminary, particularly at the time in the life of the institution and my own process, that this separation at the end was both possible and likely, he struggles with being part of the migrant labor class.
Although this is increasingly common in the current economy, the knowledge doesn’t make reality any easier. He particularly asked me to convey to you, the sense of betrayal he feels that the Vocation’s Conference will be 6 months later than it was planned at the time we made these decisions. I don’t know that we would have made different decisions, but there is a sense of the broken contract for him, and frustration that the most indeterminate phase of my process for our family has been extended by what might be another year. I suppose it
says something about my own relationship with the institution that after an initial sense of dismay, I was unsurprised. The shifting sand is moving throughout far more than one diocesan discernment process.
The profound moment of change that the whole world is experiencing began before I was born and will still be sorting itself out after I have met my reward. I wonder about institutions, about tradition. What is the nature of
change in them? I think about wheels. Perhaps the wheel is fine, perhaps the material it is made of is what needs to change. Wood, to rubber, to steel radials, we are still using wheels and we are still fitting them to the ruts in the road left there by Roman chariots. I wonder if our institutions and traditions will really look as
different as we imagine they will when we re-enter a period of cultural stability. What I think will change is what they sound like, what story will they tell, when they have re-interpreted the tradition into the new culture.
As with most things, I tend to enter this story telling through the lens of power and authority. I was intrigued and excited by the feedback the Commission to End Racism received from the December 3 training. Several people reflected on power and authority and how/where they are utilized in diverse leadership. Our commission
meeting was very well attended last Wednesday, with many new faces excited to take up the work, to realize the vision of a Gospel world. There were so many of us that our usual 2 hours was not enough time to contain it. I think I am never so happy as when I am able, in some way, to help the Spirit catch fire and I find myself inspired out of a job. I see this happen over and over, although I have to admit, Chicken Little is still my patron saint. I always have that moment, that day, that month, where I am sure that God has left the building and it is all on me. When I imagine the ocean of God’s patience, it is in this context. God calls us to do our part, and our part is to be the place where joy overcomes fear. So many of us seem to run around gathering up fear, as though it were perhaps finite, and if we hoard it there will be less to go around. Hmm, I hope someday to live into even a fraction of the wisdom I surprise myself with when I am still and let God be God.
Which leads me, naturally I suppose, to self care and how I am living into God’s promise. Because I feel so called to moments of profound transition, I am paying particular attention to how I am experiencing this transition. I know, for example, that I am prone to fall into a depression at times of transition if I do not attend to the grieving that needs to occur at times of loss. And that for all transitions are moments of opportunity, they are also by definition times of loss. So, far, I have not found myself in any extended funk from this transition, and this is a fantastic expression of the metanoia that God brings to my life. It has also brought into focus some of the ways the Protestant work ethic finds expression in my life, because I find myself frustrated with how much time it takes to take care of myself, and I find a thread of guilt that I am privileged to have that abundance of time. It is ironic to me that I feel this way about my own life, when one of the biggest gifts to ministry I bring is the living of the maxim, “things are going to take the time they take and that we have all the time we need.” I am trying to learn the gifts of starting and stopping times, but not through my own will, and I am grateful if sometimes disgruntled by the people helping me learn this gift. I must say one of the very best things about non-American ministries and friendships is that they allow me to live in a different sense of time that flows more naturally with my own inner clock. (And everyone talks about Americans and their busy sense of time.) Speaking of clocks, my external clock tells me that it is time to close this letter. And so I leave you with a blessing that was given to me this year and that I share as often as I can. It is a quote from Barbara Brown Taylor, told to me by David Schlafer. “God says to us, ‘Belong to me, be what you want.’” When we remember to whom we belong, so much of the rest falls into peace.
Blessings of the Incarnate God,heather lee
December 15, 2011John Horden, Bishop and Missionary in Canada,
provisional in HWHM
Reply
Dear Heather:
I do thank you for your Ember Day letter. While on the long side it is
well written and expresses a good deal of where you are and what you are
experiencing at time point in your process. I do thank you for your
honesty and the time and attention you put into the letter.
I do realize that there are challenges in every institution and that
power and authority can at times be oppressive, or at least seem so. I
myself had an additional year in seminary simply because my bishop
thought I was too young to be ordained! Quite a challenging year for us
living on campus after my middler year and not going to classes and then
watching my original classmates graduate and get ordained a year ahead
of me! I suspect there is something of this story in your story. In my
case patience did pay off and while I as still not convinced my bishop
was right, there were good lessons learned in that year of working
outside the church.
I do sympathize with you and with your husband as you wait longer than
expected for the conference and for all the challenges that are in the
way of the goal you have.
If my memory serves me well I believe you have completed seminary and
that you have some work to do related to your GOE scores. I heard you
when you said that you did not want to retake the exams and so I will be
talking to the examining chaplains of the diocese about how to proceed
in your situation. As a general rule I have asked the examining
chaplains to retest those who received a score of one in a particular
area. I do not have your results at my fingertips right now but I do
believe you had a number of ones on your exam. For those areas in which
a person received a score of 2 the examining chaplain is asked to read
the exam answer and then determine what work, if any, is needed in that
area. Scores of 3 or higher are considered to have passed and no further
work in those areas is needed.
You and I should talk about your exams and make a decision about how and
when to go about whatever work is required. The challenge is that you
have not been approved by the COM, thus making retesting at this time a
bit premature; however waiting also does not seem like a great idea. I
would like to hear your thoughts about this issue.
My prayers and Blessings to you in the Holy Season,
---
Reply
Dear Bishop ---,
In response to your inquiry, I have been thinking about GOE's, in no
small measure because I have several friends taking the exam this
week, but also because my hard drive crashed this week, before I
migrated my data to my new machine. And I apparently failed to back up
my last semester, which would include my GOE exams and results. While
this isn't entirely surprising, I was busy graduating and moving at
the time I would have done my backup and I assumed later that it was
backed up, it is frustrating and I am wondering if I should just
concede the point and plan to take them next year, after I meet with
the COM and know if the work is even necessary.
When I was perhaps 20, I collected sarcastic and ironic lapel pins,
including one that says, "great, another ***ing growth opportunity."
God has pushed, pulled and otherwise accompanied me through so many
metanoia moments since I took off my shoes in the holy place (a la
Moses) that perhaps we will be on top of this iteration of my social
anxiety disorder by then as well.
In other news, I have had a wonderful three weeks of my husband home
which has done a world of good for our sense of family and we should
be able to proceed from here better grounded in the reality of living
in two states.
Thank you for your attention to my particularities and I expect I will
see you soon since the Commission to End Racism is planning to occupy
the library at The Close again in order to prepare for the second
training.
Blessings,
heather lee
Reply
I do have access, I think, to your GOE tests so all is not lost in the
hard drive crash! I also think I have a document on which I noted what
each of the three of you taking the exams did on each of the questions.
I believe the lapel pin would have read "AFGE". I am well acquainted
with that saying as parish ministry is full of them. My reading of
scripture suggest that God never quits pulling and pushing us, and also
that God is Ok often with our making a variety of responses to God's
call. As long as we are faithful to God's call to serve the world in
which we live.
I am glad you have had time to be better grounded in your family life. I
was not aware that you and your husband were not in the same state at
this point. Can you help remind me of your situation?
I do hope to see you soon, if the meeting of the committee is next week,
I will be away for most of it in LA.
Blessings,
--
Reply
Bishop ---,
I suppose the short answer is that there are no jobs for my husband in
Portland, complicated by the reality that there is unlikely to be a
job for me in Portland regardless of the outcome with the COM.
Since my husband is at a point where his career is about to step up to
management, and his vocation is becoming obsolete (sys admins are
going the way of dinosaurs) it didn't seem prudent to step down in
order to get a job in Portland, especially when my own prospects are
so amorphous at this time. And since what interests me most about
parish ministry is the least likely to even cover my loan payments, it
seems best to not lose the one income we do have.
When we made the decision, it was at least a year apart but more
difficult, a year of not knowing how to make plans at all, so when we
discovered that the COM was moving the conference out another 6
months, it just added even more time to the unknowing.
And, just to complicate matters, it isn't just the GOE's that will
need to be remediated, I will still need to do my CPE unit. I was
intending to find a position for the summer but there aren't any in
Portland at all anymore. This complication came about because of my
children, (now 14 and 11). I just didn't have the resources to see
that they were taken care of for a summer program while I was in
seminary and the solution I had hoped for isn't available anymore.
That seems to be the bulk of my discerning difficulties. My call is
still strong, if anything it seems to have a settled feeling in my
heart contrary to the rest of my reality, if that makes any sense. My
discernment committee at --- is meeting monthly and I think
those meetings are going well. I check in with --- regularly and
she is an absolute rock for my anxious moments. --- has agreed to
help me with my spiritual autobiography, since the last one I wrote is
pre-seminary and I've been pretty deep in the growth opportunities the
last few years. And i am grateful for them, even if I am not feeling
particularly grateful for my student loan payments, but that time and
that education is already absolutely worth it.
And here I have sent you an entirely new ember day letter. Have a good
trip to LA, bring back some warmth, we have plenty of sunshine
somehow.
Blessings,
heather lee
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