All-In Community

I have 5, yes 5 random thought processes sitting in draft form. So, I'm going to try to clear my plate of this stuff this week. So, plenty of posts but nothing really on Holy Week, at least not that I know of. 

Here is the thing about small churches - you don't "check them out" and you don't "ease into" them.

Walking into a small church isn't a process of anonymously assessing the pros or cons or welcome or whatever other criteria you have. It won't work, because they don't operate on anonymous. They aren't arranged for the casual shopping experience. At least, no more than your own family. True, like your own family, they can be highly disfunctional. They can be supporting the disfunctions of members in all sorts of passive aggressive ways. Churches struggle with how to balance the needs of everyone just like family.  If you have or have experienced families with say a Down Syndrome member or an alcoholic member - you know that your family is not passing the "normal welcoming bland anonymous" test. Because, let's be really real about this. When we don't throw away the "problem child" what becomes functional for us is highly individual and very intimate.

Here is the thing about small churches. As long as you aren't interviewing them for their ability to be politically correct, as long as you lay claim to them as family and have the expectation that they will adapt to you like family - aka, sometimes graciously, sometimes imperfectly, sometimes with all the charm of a hippopotamous, then they will be a family.

There is a complaint, often, about churches, that they are not accomodating enough for families with autism or ADHD or whatever the particular family is dealing with. And they lambast churches for not having a plan in place, not anticipating what is not there. I have no idea what the individual experience is that leads to these articles, I only have my experience. And my experience is that it is like family. We didn't have a plan in place for our baby to be born with a genetic deletion or our step mother to be an alcoholic. Situational ethics needs a situation first, and a solution second. And finding the equalibrium isn't going to be pretty. All those articles or their comments end with, why don't people just do something practical, like offer to babysit. These things do happen in little churches. (A secret - little churches are terrible at assessing their insurance risk. They just aren't worried about it, because they are actually worried about you.)

When you are right in front of them, well, think about how your grandmother reacted to her newest grandchild with a genetic deletion. It was a bit of love and awkward combined, and then some accomodating adjustment and then a fierce protection (this is common, but not everyone has this grandmother). And because it's your mother we are talking about, you are often fully aware you are stuck with her, so you have some patience to let her work this process out. A small church is going to work through the same process as your family. They will take a little time to accomodate you, to work it out, and as long as you are in it for the long haul and not obviously shopping for the level of service you expect, it will work out. And it will have someone to watch your child while you worship and it will have someone to take you to the doctor at 2am when your car won't start.

My own experience tells me that when the conversation becomes, "You should just leave because we can't deal with you," it's because that small church is busy worrying about the "church shopper" and their "service" and not what is right in front of them. Some of the most uncomfortable experiences in church I have ever had are in the growing smaller churches and church plants. If there is a very explicit structure for grace and in-grouping, it can be wonderful, but if it is relying on assumptive in-group ethics to grow, it can be very painful if you don't walk in the door already in the socio-economic assumptive reality of those already there. And if you have an akward family, or you don't own your own home, or you don't vacation in the right places, or you don't vote the same way, it's going to be ugly once you start opening up.

How do you know you have the former and not the latter? Grace has a lot of room for mistakes and apologizing on the part of the church, not the new member. Grace may ask if you can help pay for something, but it won't assume that you bear the full burden of accomodation. Grace laughs, sometimes joyfully and sometimes painfully and sometimes grace is completely mortified but admits to mistakes. If you find yourself in a place that makes you feel like you have to apologize for being inconvenient, you should leave. If you find one clueless, possible tourettes sufferer or mildy racist old lady who is not the pastor or head of the church committee, you are probably looking at a place that is accomodating. However, if that person is very powerful in the church, you want to leave.

A sidebar to churches on capital improvements: Look at your facilities. I know that an accessible ramp, and an elevator if you really must use the basement/attic are worth the investment - not only are they useful and welcoming for people in wheelchairs, they are useful and welcoming to parents of small children and the elderly and anyone who has ever broken their ankle and tried to navigate stairs with crutches. Spend the money - it's really a selfish investment but other people will appreciate it, too.