What I am looking for in my corporate spiritual life

I've been thinking about what I actually want out of a corporate spiritual life. Besides not beeing taken for the priest or at least a priest everywhere I go. (Don't think the Catholics don't have this in their favor.)

I've a deep call to preaching. And pastoring. And I have a horrible sneaking suspicion that this makes me a writer - although I've killed all my writing skills with the preaching, because talking and writing actually should look different. My writing is a mess and it will take a very long time to get it back after the last several years, but that may be what I need to do.

Here is the thing about the Eucharist - I am deeply called to liturgical worship, and I love the coming together on Sunday morning, but my ministry was never to be a Eucharistic Minister. I care that it is done right, well, meaningfully, but the forgiveness of sins part has always been more important to me than the offering of sacrifice. We love the ritual, I think because it satisfys that very part of us that Jesus said we didn't really need to be satisfying. I don't know. Actual meals are more important to me. Actually eating together, whether you give the meal the ritual flare or not, actually talking about what Scripture says and how to turn that into livable action, today, in my affluent life, is what matters more.

I suppose I never did actually fit into what a typical Episcopalian is trying to become. I just don't have the patience to be a "social justice fill-in-the-blank." I care about the metanoia, the changed heart. You can, in your affluent life, do all sorts of good things without ever changing. Yesterday, I had the opportunity to sponsor a child in Vietnam for 28 dollars a month. I can sponsor a dozen children on just the cost of my own childrens music and swimming lessons. If I had a coffee habit, I could sponsor three. It's easy to give up nothing tangible and feel good.

But I am interested in how my heart turns towards people. How do we turn our hearts towards people, not just throw our spare change at them. When our hearts turn, then we start to have compassion for the system that we all struggle in, the affluent and the poor, and we can start to find ways to change that system.

Anyway, I am wondering where I am going to find my next group of study partners for my spiritual life. Jonathan suggests I start my own cult, but where to find the people?

I don't miss the Eucharist, but I miss the rhythm, and I miss the Wednesdays nights something fierce. I don't know if I need to search for that again, and figure out how to recreate it, or if I need to treat it like much of the rest of my life in Portland, as something to grieve if necessary, but to recognize as a particular time in my life and then move forward.

I've been seeing a lot of internet billboards to the effect that as long as I am looking backwards, I won't be able to see where I am going, or better yet, aim for a desired direction.