Getting to Point Z through the Whole Alphabet

I've been missing church, quite a bit lately. But I haven't figured out how to go back, which, I know, sounds silly, because you just pick a door and walk in about 10am on a Sunday and see what you think of the place. Except it isn't that easy. I am still trying to figure out what my level of involvement will be. And I get to choose that; there is a strange little bit of me that wonders about that stance but continues to be adamant. So, I've been thinking about the why instead of the what of that for a while.

So what to do about the fact that I believe I know too many of them to chose my level of commitment? Well, for one thing, I realized that was lame thinking in the shower this morning. And I think my dreams have been working me up to this realization, since many of them lately have been echoes of delusional might-have-been-meets-way-forward. When a bishop apologized, I realized we had fallen completely off the deep end.

So this morning in the shower, my brain says, "Hey Heather, you can say you took classes at CDSP, you don't have to say how many, and maybe you should wait to cross bridges until you get there, isn't that why you did all that therapy?"

And because I finally found some sense, I found the why. Sara was exactly right - I'm really quite horrified (although not spiteful, despite what she might actually think) that I left my church to someone like her, and even more importantly, the Spirit left my church to someone like her, because I have no doubts that the Spirit brought that about. I don't mean the building, because I was all in favor of selling that pile of mid-century modern to McMenamins and making it a bar/venue if we could get the zoning changed. She could have the building, and did, and who cares, and maybe that was what the Spirit intended. But the church, that amazing little cluster of people that the financially fearful part of the church is always so ready to throw away, was and perhaps is still being hurt by her. And I'm really appalled that the Spirit seems to think so little of the old, poor and weak, to have done that to us.

I'm sure I'm missing some cosmic scale on this, and I've certainly spent most of this year hanging out with Job, but if the way forward really means leaving precious people to the two-faced and spiritually empty; if it really means leaving things to become places and people that I can't even find the Spirit in, do I really want to invest my faith in them?

No answers, but perhaps a better question.