Therapy went well yesterday. I think what I am trying to do is to see a way forward, which is a gaping whole of dispair right now. I can't see a way forward. I can't see how to explain the last seven years of my life without it seeming like I did something wrong, like I wasn't qualified, that I wasn't broken.
I don't think this had actually occurred to me yet, since I've been pretty heavily suppressing the whole mess in a desperate attempt to hang on to my self esteem and respect. I don't think that has been bad, but it has to be worked through regardless.
The therapist has been pretty helpful, I'm not sure he thinks that he is, but helping me relate this through my social anxiety. I'm not ready to do it today, but soon, maybe after I get the Christmas done, I think I can go through my super power book, it is bound to be better than re-reading emails and letters that people who don't like me wrote.
I don't think I feel like I need to rewrite my story. I guess I need to find the political way of saying, hey, sometimes you lose the personality contest called church. And, I'm still going to have to do some exposure therapy so I can go to church again. And I'm still going to have to figure out what relationship I want to have with church.
But today, the meds and the session were enough to let me go Christmas shopping, even though by lunchtime, it was getting crazy in the mall. Hopefully, I am done with the mall, and one more trip to the grocery store should do it. I should figure out what I need for my family to come over on Christmas Eve. I kind of hate holidays. Ugh. This was definitely some of the draw of priesting, no more family holidays because they are work days. Oh well.
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