April 3, 2012

Obliviousness confirmed.


Good morning, Heather,

Ages ago in my own planning I was hoping you'ld preach on the Sunday
after Easter, but I'm not sure I ever actually asked! Is that
something you'ld like to do?

Blessings,
---


Reply
---,

Thank you for your offer, I do enjoy preaching and it is a vital part
of my ministry. However, I will be in Corvallis the day before with
the Commission to End Racism. I am also unsure how I would really be
able to preach an Easter message to the community of --- at
this time.

heather

Reply
Dear Heather,

Thanks for your email about preaching. I am writing because I would like to keep in communication with you, and I'm guessing email is the least uncomfortable way for you to communicate with me during this time. It felt good to serve with you this past Sunday and I hope it was okay for you. 

I have done a little tiny bit of research in the past week on social anxiety as you described it last Thursday in our meeting, and from the little bit I've learned I can only imagine how hard it might be to be in some kind of normal relationship with someone in my position at ---. How can I be helpful?

Assuming the answer to that question is not: "Stay away from me and don't ever approach me again!" I would love it if you would send me some spring and summer dates when you might like to preach so I can plug a couple of them in moving forward.

The other thing on my mind is that --- is doing "pop-up liturgy" at --- in the Chapel on Wednesday during Easter Season and I hope you'll be back among us and be part of that. (It seems you're very close to being done with your Wednesday evening class.) I will probably be there most Wednesdays but probably not all Wednesdays and I would be delighted if you would be K--- "--- point person" once you're available. It would be helpful to me, of course, but I'm asking primarily because I hope it would be fun for you to be part of that liturgy.

Faithfully,

---

Reply

(I did not reply)

Ember Day Letter Four

Dear Bishop ---,

I do apologize that this letter finds you a week late. I am sad to
report that my husband fell ice skating and broke his wrist. Last week
was fairly consumed with putting him back together, including a
surgery on Thursday. If I had written, it would likely have been a
list of appointments and medication schedules. Hardly the stuff of my
spiritual life, but spiritually enlightening and fruitful all the
same.

I have been occupied recently, well, I have realized recently, that I
have long been occupied with the distinction between being in Christ
and doing for Christ. I quite like being a do-er, not the least of
which, it keeps me to busy to reflect deeply on being. Over and over,
this lesson has been handed to me, and I’ve been through a whole range
of responses to it; fear, withdrawal, confusion, tears, anger,
frustration, even a little boredom. Until I finally quit fighting
against it, and made the bold and vocal claim, “I am going to stay
right here until I learn this (expletive deleted) lesson. What,
already!?” And like pregnancy, when you finally give up, a baby is
born.

So I find myself sorting out what it means to be in a state of grace
without doing anything about it. I find over and over and over again,
that I have been seeking human approval because it is so much easier
to find and so much more in concordance with the need for instant
gratification and the motto, “don’t just stand there, do something”
than to be, warts and all, in a state of grace and humility and love,
with the universal Word. I spent January very intentionally letting go
of anything that felt like an obligation, anything that felt like I
was doing because I thought someone expected it of me, or that it
would make me appear a better Christian. This made for an interesting
meeting with my discernment committee when they asked me about my
spiritual practices. I can say that it was probably the least expected
to approach that topic, and at the end of an amazingly fruitful
conversation, I know that they are looking at practices and habits of
approaching God in a new way as well. It was a glimpse, for me, of
what it will look like to act out of a state of being.

In February, I met with my spiritual director and as we talked about
how this practice was going, I discovered the beginning of longing.
Never before have I understood this thing that mystics speak of. I
thought it was like cheeseburgers, perhaps, but it is something that
words do fail me in describing, and I know this because I had to pull
out Aristotle’s accidents and Plato’s cave (which means I owe my
undergrad alma mater fifty dollars) just to begin to think about it.
And this has replaced a Lenten practice this year. Because for my
whole life, my shadows have been between me and God. And they are
still with me, still part of me, but for right now, they are behind me
as I face the Holy. Just right now, the desert looks bright and
welcoming, and as much as I am drawn to the liturgical calendar as a
means of ordering my life, it’s just not lining up with the larger
story of my life right now. I’m not feeling penitent. For once, I’m
not feeling any suffering or sinfulness. My redemption, my
resurrection, has always been something that I have been able to
identify retroactively. I can see places in my life that have been
redeemed, but never before have I sat in that process, watched for
that evolution of being in me, rather than seen the fruits of Christ’s
labor after the fact. I am looking forward to Holy Week and Easter. I
am curious to see what that week looks like from the inside.

Blessings,
heather lee

Reply
Dear Heather: Thank you for your good Ember Day letter. it is interesting to have a few letters from those who have finished their studies and are still in process. You have certainly been walking with God of late and listening to the spirit in your discernment. To imagine stopping doing what is expected and what gets you good marks is a healthy and yet challenging process. I pray it bears fruit.

I am sorry to hear of your husband's fall. --- fell a few years ago in Minnesota on literally the last patch of ice left from a long winter. it was a very challenging time for her and for those around her! I pray his healing is quick and full.

I'd like to hear just a bit more about the discernment committee, how long have you been working with them? remind me of the church context, and how long do you suspect this process to continue.

for those who are doers and who find being challenging it is good to sit and read. Parker Palmer has a short book on the active life which is helpful; if you have not had time to read it yet you might. I am sure your spiritual director can continue to offer good advice as your journey with this being quest. I pray it bears good fruit.

While I have not given birth, I did appreciate your analogy with letting go and giving birth. great image. thanks.

Grace and peace to you this lent.

Reply
Dear Bishop ---,

I wanted to give you a little update on my discernment committee. As
for the general structure, I have attached the outline that was given
to me. At each meeting, we discuss a variety of questions that relate
to the general topic. It's not very involved, mostly a list of dates
and topics. I also meet with individual members of the committee from
time to time.

We are also a bit off topic since we have missed two meetings. For
instance, we met today and spoke on the sacraments. Also, some on
conflict and church growth.

After today's meeting, the committee will consider wether and how long
we might continue to meet, and the head of the committee, ---,
 and my companion, ---, will meet with --- to discuss
areas for further work and get back to me, in a week or two, I
believe. I let --- know that she could email you directly and she
may do that at some point in the near future.

I believe that the meetings are going well. I certainly like to talk
about my current understandings. I find that it helps synthesize
things I learned (and more importantly, unlearned) in seminary, and
helps me see places that need clarification in my own mind. For
instance, I need to go find out more about ember day letters, in
particular, how they got attached to seminarians. ;)

Blessings,
heather lee


Attached Document

Friends,

We will be meeting on Sunday, March 16 as we continue assisting in the discernment process of our aspirants.  We will again meet at --- and my home.

Since we were not able to meet last month, I elected to have us focus on the aspect of the priest’s role with the sacraments.  In addition, this may be a time to also bring questions that you more specifically have for each aspirant as you have been getting to know them over these past months.

Our schedule will be as follows below.  The Committee Members will also have a potluck dinner together.  --- and I will provide a main dish and beverages.  If people can identify what they would like to bring:  salad, side dish, bread, desert, additional wine or other beverage, that will help us all in planning.

03/19/12:  Focus:  Sacraments and other questions

3:00 – 3:15   Committee meets

3:15 – 4:00   Committee meets with ---

4:00 – 4:15   Committee debriefs

4:15 – 5:00 Committee meets with ---

5:00 – 7:00ish Committee has dinner and discussion

Again, thanks to our aspirants as they use this process and thanks to all who are serving on the committee in this important work.

March 30, 2012

---,

Thank you very much for all of the time and prayerfulness you have
committed in building a discernment committee at ---.

I have been reflecting on your offer to ask some people on the
committee to continue working with me, and I feel that this offer may
have been generously made out of your vocation as a therapist. While I
am certain that I do not know exactly what you are offering, and it is
of course, something that we would explore together, I am not sure
that it is within the scope of a discernment committee to do this
work. I do have a therapist, and I have a fairly comprehensive team of
people who are engaged in the therapeutic and spiritual work that I am
doing at this time.

Again, I thank you for the time and especially for the feedback that
you have given me. I very much appreciate your willingness to write up
a summary for me. I have forwarded it to --- as you have
requested.

Blessings,

Reply
Hey Heather,

Thanks for your thoughts on looking at "next steps."  Your comments are
right on point.  Perhaps after Easter we can have coffee and discuss what,
if anything, in a formal sense could be of value and if not, simply affirm
that recognition at this time.

Will see you soon and take care,

March 29, 2012

March 29, 2012

Dear Heather,

First, thank you for your courage in entering the discernment process at ---. The entire committee recognizes what a courageous step that is and we applaud you for taking it.  We also feel privileged to be part of this very important process.

Today was a difficult but also helpful meeting.  ---, --- and myself appreciated your more open presentation and willingness to take in, consider, and honestly engage with the committee’s comments and observations, as painful as some of them were.  As agreed, I want to give you a summary of observations from the committee.  The following three areas are a summation of the committee’s concerns.

Need more insight into your reflection process about your own story:  As a committee we have heard you discuss your story in general terms.  However, we do not have a real sense about how you are currently processing your own story.  Questions that seem relevant include:  What have your observed and experienced in leaving one tradition and making a home in a new tradition?  What do you bring with you that is joyful or grounding?  What do you bring that is painful and hurtful?  How do you currently understand your own story?  Where are areas of ongoing struggle, pain or grief?  Where and with whom are you working through and increasing your understanding of your story?  Can you identify areas that are still so tender that discussing them brings up deep spiritual and emotional feelings and experiences? Where are the places and who are the people who can be present to you in these places?  

Our observation is that you struggle to engage with questions that clearly are difficult to engage and answer, but are absolutely necessary in this process.  We have observed a pattern of talking around questions and issues instead of engaging with the questions or issues in a more forthright, exploratory manner.  At times, it seems as if you are somewhat irritated or annoyed about the questions.  None of us feel there is anything personal about it, but it seems you experience the questions themselves as an affront.  It feels to us that it has been difficult for you to let us know what is really going on with you.

Conflation of embracing the Episcopal Tradition and call to the priesthood:  We have not heard a straightforward response to the question of “why do you believe you have been called to the priesthood?” It has never really been answered.  There have been comments about others thinking you should consider the priesthood but we have struggled to hear you describe your call specifically to the priesthood.  You have more clearly described aspects of your spiritual experience in moving toward the Episcopal tradition, but it has been very unclear how you have experienced a call to the priesthood.  The committee wonders if your experience of finding authentic spiritual life in the Episcopal tradition has been prematurely conflated with having a call to the priesthood.  Clearly you have a great love for the Episcopal tradition and your three years in seminary are a testament to your desire to want to engage and imbibe that tradition and serve in the Church.  However, at this juncture in the discernment process your specific call to the priesthood is not clear to anyone on the committee.

Current parish involvement:  We have not heard much information about what you are doing in the parish at this time and what you are learning and discerning with your work in the parish.  We are not sure if you are shadowing or working with --- or in what areas of ministry you are involved or whether there are areas where you feel called to go deeper.  It was encouraging to hear about your current thinking in regard to JOIN at the last meeting.  However, the overall lack of information or observations or stories about how you are currently involved in the parish setting leaves us with an unclear picture about what is going on.  

At this time, we do not discern that you have a call to the priesthood.   We are not saying you do not have this call, but we are saying we do not bear witness to that call at this time. We value and honor your engagement with the Anglican tradition and how it continues to be a tremendous source of life and love for you.  However, we do believe that additional work is necessary in the areas we have identified above in order for you to discover and joyfully live into the Christian ministry to which God calls you.  

    **************************************************************

In our meeting today, we appreciated you providing a much more in depth understanding of current issues in which you are engaging.  In particular, the work you are doing in addressing your social anxiety issues.  We also appreciated your statement that you are willing to serve in other capacities than the priesthood and do feel like more discernment would be beneficial.  We support your plan to meet with --- and possibly continue to meet with at least some, if not all, of the discernment team as you continue to work on identifying, processing and telling your story.

As you know better than anyone, your process to this point has been complicated and fraught with disappointment.  We do not want to add to that.  But we want to be honest and straightforward about what we have discerned at this juncture and hope it will truly be useful to you.  As we said today, we will leave it to you to share this letter with others. However, we believe it would be good for you to share it--or at least a summation of its contents--with the ---.  Please let --- know if you would like to do this or if you would like her to.

Faithfully,

--- Discernment Committee:


comment I received as summary:
"we put you in an unsafe environment, and are concerned that you have
not been free and open about your internal life.  also, having
systematically cut you out of parish responsibilities, we are
concerned that you are not participating in parish life."

wow.

March 29, 2012

Hi, Heather,

I'm wondering if you'll join me for a cup of coffee next Wednesday or Thursday morning around 10:30. I'll likely be working at Coffee Division on 35th & Division. Any chance?  

Faithfully,

---

Reply

I appreciate your kind offer, especially during Holy Week, but no thank you.

heather

What I won't share is the giant, long, fuck you email I wrote at 3am. It was productive for what it was at the time, but really, it makes no sense. 

March 20, 2012

In addition to this email exchange, I also had an hour long meeting in the fall with this person and the first discernment committee meeting where I spoke at length about my social anxiety. At the Meeting on Thursday the 29th at 11:30am, I mentioned it again and was told it was the first she was hearing of it. Altogether, I read all of these exchanges as signs of caring or interest, but in reality, I don't believe anyone was really paying attention to me at all. 

Friends,

I would like to schedule our time together for one of the following times:

Wed, 3/28 at 10:00 AM  (This is my first choice)  or

Thurs, 3/29 at 11:30 AM.

Please let me know if you are available for Wed, and, if we all are, lets plan to meet at the church, --- Office at 10:00.

If this won't work, I hope the Thurs time will work, same place.

I will appreciate hearing from you as soon as possible.

Thanks

Reply

Sorry ---,

I have a therapy appointment at 10am on Wednesday to talk about how I
will get through this meeting without setting off my social anxiety.
:)

But Thursday will work for me.

heather

Reply

Dear Heather and all,

Thanks for the response, Heather.  I certainly honor you keeping that appt.
on Wed. as good self care.

We will meet next Thursday, 3/29 at 11:30 in --- office at the church.
Lenten Blessings to all,

---

March 9, 2012

Dear ---,

I have received a reply from my Ember Day letter to Bishop ---. He
would like to know some more information about my discernment
committee.

In particular, how long we have been meeting and how much longer do we
intend to meet. I wanted to check with you about the answer to this
second question because we have missed a couple of meetings since we
started and I am wondering how we will accomodate that?

He also asked how it was going. I know my answer to that but wanted to
offer the committee the opportunity to respond to him, either through
my return letter or if you just wanted to email him directly.

I will see you on Sunday - don't forget it's Daylight Savings Time.

Blessings,
heather lee

Reply
Hey Heather,

I had hoped to chat with you at church today but have had a terrible cold
and left after the sermon today.

The bishop's questions are good and about a week too early for our
Committee.  As you know, we have been meeting since October.  We had to
cancel the February meeting due to a number of committee members being
unable to attend due to a parishoner's wedding outside the area.  As you
recall, you were unable to meet for one of our monthly sessions due to a
previously scheduled family commitment.  As such, we have had three times to
meet with you.

As you know we will have another meeting this coming Sunday.  The Committee
will then spend some time together over dinner to discuss what we are
discerning with each of you brave aspirants.  The Committee will then
recommend next steps for each aspirant.  We will identify how to communicate
what we are discerning with each aspirant at that time as well as
communicating this to each of you in a timely manner.

I am sure we will have more information after this coming Sunday, 3/19.
After the Sunday meeting, I will plan to send Bishop --- an update
regarding possible timelines in response to his question.  In addition, I
will update him on what the Committee's thinking is after our time together
next  Sunday.  I encourage you to provide him with your perceptions as well.

I hope this answers your questions and I look forward to our time together
next Sunday.  I am also sending this to --- since she is your identified
companion in this process.  Also, feel free to forward this to the Bishop in
response to his questions.

Peace be with you in this Lenten season.

Reply
That's exactly where I thought we were :)

I'm sorry you weren't well. I'm glad you got to hear the sermon. I
thought --- offered some particularly thought provoking insights.

I'll send a note along to the bishop just to let him know that I
haven't forgotten about him, and we can move along as we have already
planned.

Thanks for this. See you soon,
heather lee